Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Walk with Me

Walk with me through my hurts
Be with me. Hold me.
Tell me it's OK to feel the way I do
Do not tell me it will be all right...
Not to be angry...not to cry.

When you tell me to understand
What has happened and to accept it
Without first feeling anger, grief or pain
...that's for you.

When you tell me to understand
The other people, or when you excuse them
For the pain they caused me
...that's for you.

If someone bothers me
Or I cry,
Hold my hand,
Be near and understand.

When you do not ask me
Or talk to me
About my feelings, my grief, my sorrow
...that's for you.

When you take my agony,
And compare it to yours,
Or make mine sound small compared to yours
...that's for you.

Walk with me through my feelings,
Let me share my joys and sorrows,
Fears and hopes, hates and loves,
Do not ignore or deny them
Understand them.

Then someday, another time,
Even tomorrow,
I may walk with you through yours....

Otherwise, we shall both be alone,
And I can think of no sorrow worse
To be alone with my feelings
And you to be alone with yours.

- Dewaine Kolbo

It is 9 months today since our precious daughter, Renee left us. The introduction in the Daily Bread devotional yesterday was about how much joy it brings to hold the hand of a child to keep them safe, to keep them from stumbling. I had one of my grief burst moments as I read that. On the weekend as I had been walking along the Saskatchewan River in Saskatoon, I had been thinking quite a bit about holding Renee's hand in the various stages of her life and at the end. Then the excruciating moment came where I had to let go physically and the process of letting go continues. Grief means "torn apart".

Psalm 73 says that even although we stumble and make mistakes, the powerful hand of God is holding our hand and will walk with us through life - all the way home. It is a comforting thought that Jesus was there holding Renee's hand throughout her life and as she "crossed over" to the other side to her glorious destiny and that she is with the One whose birthday we are celebrating.

How can it be that almost a year has gone by since last Christmas?

Thank you to all who have prayed and are continuing to pray for us. Thank you for those who have shown that you care.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


The latest series of messages we have been listening to from is on the so called parable of the Prodigal son. It is actually the story of two sons and the father. There sure is a lot packed into that one story. The one we listened to this morning was on Unheimlichkeit. Reminds me of the song, "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through."

We want everything on this earth to stay the same or at least the good parts. We wanted our relationship with our beautiful daughter Renee to continue. Ray loved his research and development work. For that to be taken away from him was so terribly painful. Now for him to start a new R & D under the circumstances of all this grief, it is so hard.

There are so many families broken as the result of selfishness, greed, and misunderstandings. Even although the process of forgiveness has started, it does not erase the pain. Family is supposed to be a place where you feel safe, but when you feel betrayed and rejected it causes so much pain. God wants us to come to Him and find our resting place in Him.

I finally got the book by Alan Wolfelt - "Understanding Your Grief". Wish I had had that book a long time ago.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Oh, this grieving is such lonely, hard work. It would be so nice to have someone come and just cry with me. But I don't do very well with crying when there are people around.

We did not do a good job of grieving our loss when Kris and Jason and Leona all died within one and half years. It was just too much to deal with. And everybody keeps saying God does not make mistakes. He won't give you more than you can handle. But we have been given more than we can handle. That is the truth of the matter.

When Lazarus died both of his sisters asked Jesus, "Where were you when our brother died?"

I'm listening to a CD right now that has the song on it, "One day at a time, Sweet Jesus." Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never be mine. " That reminded me of when that song was sung at a ladies meeting just before Renee was born.

Oh, God, I miss Renee so much, but I'm so thankful that we were blessed to have her in our family, for all the good memories.

Now I got myself a terrible headache from crying so much. Please, help me God to get through this terrible agony. Thank you for the assurance of the promise that you will never leave us or forsake us.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Lament or Praise

At the Grief/Share session today we learned that there are more Psalms that have complaint or lament as the main theme than Psalms that have praise or thanksgiving as the main theme. We can be honest to God about how we feel, as long as nobody else hears it. The people that wrote the psalms were an exception I guess.
The above picture I took at the silentgrief retreat. It was the only cloud in an otherwise perfectly clear blue sky. I felt like God gave it to me as a sign that He is with me. I am so thankful for the promise that God will never, ever leave us or forsake us.