Renee, Renee, Renee

Oh, Renee, I love you so.....

It is just not right that I have survived you.

But I have survived two years now without you. Next week Friday, February 26 it will be two years.

How does one do it? This surviving? This going on without that precious daughter?
those precious sons? on top of all the other disasters and failures?

"O Lord, you alone can heal me..... you alone are my hope in the day of disaster."
Jeremiah 17: 14, 18

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

It is so hard to believe that two years have already gone by since our last Christmas with Renee. The first picture was taken at Rockefeller Center on Christmas Eve 2007. That is me with my three beautiful daughters. (Click on it for a better view.) The next picture was taken on the second floor deck of our vacation rental home in Barbados - Christmas 2oo9.

We were going to do a cruise with the family in 2007. That is something Renee really wanted to do, as well as Alayna who both had not been on a cruise. Renee was going to be in the bridal party of a very dear friend who was getting married in the DR and then join us for the cruise starting the day after the 20th of December. After the cruise to the Bahamas we were planning to stay over in Florida at what used to be our company's condo for Christmas. The cruise and flights were booked in the beginning of October. We were really looking forward to this. We wanted so much to believe that Renee was healed, but we had no guarantee that she would not relapse.

Then at the end of October all those plans crashed. Renee had relapsed. Back to MSKCC and more chemo. Renee did not get out of the hospital till just before Christmas. Renee didn't talk about it very much, because it was too hard for her to take, that she could not be at her friend's wedding and it was such a huge disappointment that we could not go on that family cruise.

Then on the 20th of December, which is Kara's birthday, we had the horribly shocking experience of finding out that the family business partnership was no more. It was absolutely excruciating.

And then Renee died...February 26...that huge tsunami blow to our family, creating this huge hole that will always be there, that we are all trying to cope with, each in our own way. Please continue to pray for our family.

I am so glad that we could all go on this trip to Barbados, not a cruise, I think that would have been too painful. Justin managed to get off from work and I think it was very important for us to spend this time together for healing.

I was feeling so overwhelmed with sorrow about doing this trip without Renee, thinking about that family vacation we had planned two years ago that never happened. Ray, Alayna and Kara still went on the cruise and then we had some dear friends who volunteered to take the extra room for which we could not get a refund. They were sent by God to be a support to Ray after that devastating blow he had received the day before the cruise. I don't know what he would have done if they had not been there.

We did have a very special Christmas with Renee in NYC that year except Justin couldn't come. That was the worst Christmas for him.

So the first night of our trip, God gave me a very special dream of Renee which helped me to not feel quite so overwhelmed with sorrow. I did find places and time to be alone to shred some tears. And on Christmas day as the choir at the church we attended, sang such a beautiful rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus accompanied by a steel orchestra, the tears started flowing as I thought of Renee worshiping in heaven, singing the Hallelujah Chorus with all the angels and all the redeemed. I can't even imagine how beautiful that must be! And the tears came again later when I read an article by Joni E. Tada about Christmas and heaven from the book, Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus, after we had eaten our family's traditional Christmas breakfast of cheese blintzes with strawberry topping.

It was important to us to do some of our traditional family Christmas things, and yes, you don't need a white Christmas, to make it feel like Christmas! All we really need for the "Christmas spirit" is to worship the One whose birthday we are celebrating.

I found the following poem and it describes my dream very well.



WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;


But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.


You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

The River of Healing

Trees on Both Sides of the River

^{1 -2} Now he brought me back to the entrance to the Temple. I saw water pouring out from under the Temple porch to the east (the Temple faced east). The water poured from the south side of the Temple, south of the altar. He then took me out through the north gate and led me around the outside to the gate complex on the east. The water was gushing from under the south front of the Temple.

^{3 -5} He walked to the east with a measuring tape and measured off fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water that was ankle-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water waist-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet. By now it was a river over my head, water to swim in, water no one could possibly walk through.

^{6 -7} He said, "Son of man, have you had a good look?"

Then he took me back to the riverbank. While sitting on the bank, I noticed a lot of trees on both sides of the river.

^{8 -10} He told me, "This water flows east, descends to the Arabah and then into the sea, the sea of stagnant waters. When it empties into those waters, the sea will become fresh. Wherever the river flows, life will flourish—great schools of fish—because the river is turning the salt sea into fresh water. Where the river flows, life abounds. Fishermen will stand shoulder to shoulder along the shore from En-gedi all the way north to En-eglaim, casting their nets. The sea will teem with fish of all kinds, like the fish of the Great Mediterranean.

¹¹ "The swamps and marshes won't become fresh. They'll stay salty.

¹² "But the river itself, on both banks, will grow fruit trees of all kinds. Their leaves won't wither, the fruit won't fail. Every month they'll bear fresh fruit because the river from the Sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will be for food and their leaves for healing."

These verses are from Ezekiel 47 (The Message). I had been ministered to in such a deep way by The River song by Brian Doerksen the last two days and now today I read this story in Ezekiel about a river that will change the stagnant water of the sea into fresh water. And wherever the river flows life will flourish, life will abound. And on its banks will grow fruit trees of all kinds. Such a beautiful picture of what Jesus can do for us!

"God's power can transform us us no matter how lifeless or corrupt we may be. Even when we feel messed up and beyond hope, his power can heal us."

Spring is Coming

I bought Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "beauty will rise" yesterday and I just finished listening to it. A few weeks ago, one night when I couldn't sleep, I listened to some of his songs on YouTube and the story of how their daughter died. All the songs in this new album came out of that experience. Heaven is the Face is a really beautiful one. They all are. At least to me.

Jesus Will Meet You There
Spring is Coming
I Will Trust You
God Is It True,
Just Have To Wait
Beauty Will Rise

I don't know which is my favorite. I would like to share some of the lyrics. Maybe next time.

Heaven is where Jesus is.

Heaven is where Jesus is.

It is the place-
where everything lasts forever,
where everything that is best remains,
where everything good is celebrated,
where light fills every space,
where love fills every heart,
where worship fills every breath,
where praise never stops,
where pain never enters,
where joys never cease.
- Roy Lessin

At the River

From Candle Light Service

A poem from the candle light service:

At the finest level of my being you're still with me.
We still look at each other at that level beyond sight.
We talk and laugh with each other in a place beyond words....
We still touch each other on a level beyond touch.
We share time together in a place where time stands still.
We are still together on a level called love.
But I cry alone for you in a place called reality.

Rejoicing Together

Well, I imagine Renee and Ramona are rejoicing together in the presence of our dear Savior and King right now. I am quite sure Renee would have been there in the welcoming committee for Ramona.
Oh, how I miss Renee's smile, laughter, and our conversations. Hope the end of world will come soon.
Our staff in Morris gave us the gift of a 100 Bibles for LifeLight in Memory of Renee. They could not have come up with a better gift.

God Works in Mud

God is a potter, He works in mud. The sovereign Creator formed and shaped humanity by unique design. Gen 2:7 in the Amplified says:

⁷Then the Lord God formed man from the ^a]">[a]dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath or spirit of life, and man became a living being.^A)">(A)

The word formed describes the work of an artist, molding and fashioning mud into a pot. And God breathed into man the breath of life, changing his form into a soul, with the capacity to serve and fellowship with the Lord.

God continued working in and with mud, by sending Jesus to this earth to die for us and regenerating those who receive him.

God is the only One who can make the dirty clean.

These thoughts are from the Our Daily Bread. They went good with the title of my blog.

I also read the following recently that goes with this theme:

^{We are a soul.}

^{We have a body.}

Give Me Jesus

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

I don't know if anybody ever reads my blogs any more, but occasionally I feel the need to post something.

Last night I went to the ladies Christmas potluck at the church we attend. Included in the program were several beautiful pieces by a soloist. I think there were more than a few tears shed in that room. It was just so beautiful! One of the pieces was "The Holy City" about the new Jerusalem. It was so fitting after the study we just finished on the Psalms of Ascent.

The last one she did was "Give Me Jesus". Last night the tears didn't come, but this morning as I was thinking about that song being sung at the Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC the tears started coming. I couldn't remember if that was the last Sunday Renee went to church with us or not, but I checked the bulletins and it was. Wow, that brought on a flood of tears!

Draw Me Nearer

During the night when I was feeling a bit chilly, I was pulling the quilt up and as I was doing so, the hymn "Draw Me Nearer" popped into my mind. "Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, to thy precious bleeding side."

All Though the Night

Lately I have been singing the hymns that we sang at the retreat we went to in September as I am using my elliptical machine. Good thing nobody is there to hear me except my Heavenly Father! Today I also added some more songs about resting in Jesus.

I am doing the Bible study on the Psalms of Ascent. Did the lessons on Psalm 131 yesterday and today. A beautiful picture is painted there for us about calming and quieting ourselves in the Lord as a weaned child in the arms of a mother. If there are things that are so impossible to understand, we must quiet ourselves and feel secure in God's love.

"I do not seek, O Lord, to penetrate thy depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them: but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand."
- Anselm, an eleventh century English monk

I must for now be content to believe, even although there are so many things I don't understand.

As I was doing my stretches after my exercising this morning some words of the following song popped into my head. "I my loving vigil keeping, all through the night." Where did that come from? It was probably on a lullaby tape that I would have played for our children when they were little.

The last four lines are especially poignant. The song also reminds me of Psalm 121 which is the memory verse assignment for the Bible study. Even although as parents we cannot actually stay awake to watch over our children all through the night, God's promise is that He will never slumber or sleep. He is our Protector by day and by night.


Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
I my loving vigil keeping
All through the night. While the moon her watch is keeping
All through the night
While the weary world is sleeping
All through the night
O`er they spirit gently stealing
Visions of delight revealing
Breathes a pure and holy feeling
All through the night. Love, to thee my thoughts are turning
All through the night
All for thee my heart is yearning,
All through the night.
Though sad fate our lives may sever
Parting will not last forever,
There`s a hope that leaves me never,
All through the night.

Lasagna

I made lasagna for supper today and was wishing I could make it for Renee. She always liked me to make lasagna when she came "home".

Parched Land

My heart longs for a place

I've never seen

I know only the promises

You've whispered to me

Of a milk and honey land

And a well of living water

Don't lead me to another oasis

I'm tired of going in circles

This thirsty ground is crying out

these cracked pieces want

To be made whole

Come flood this desert soul

This is part of a poem Renee wrote in Jan. '05.

Yesterday was two years since the day Renee found out that she had relapsed. Oh, that was such a dark day for her. When we went to Vancouver a month ago, I had such a powerful flashback as we approached the baggage area at the airport, of meeting Renee there two years ago today after receiving that horrible phone call.

I am trying to keep my focus on the One who is the Living Water, to bring refreshment to my weary soul. The Lord is my Shepherd. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you that you were there for Renee as she walked though this dark valley.

And thank you for the hope of seeing you face to face, our precious Savior. I must always desire your presence in my life more that anything.

Engraved in the Palm of His Hands

One of the devotionals I read this morning was on the verse "See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands." Isaiah 49:16 The writer says,"Why would God engrave your image onto the palms of his hands? Because ... he thinks about you all the time. He watches over you." He sees it all ... our cares and concerns, our weaknesses and wants, our tendencies and traumas ... and he loves us as we are. What matters is that he has set his love on us and we are never off his mind, out of his sight, or away from his loving care.

A month ago when we were in Vancouver, I was feeling so overwhelmed with sadness. I was missing Renee so much. As I was looking at the mountains, I was reminded of Psalm 121 and that my help comes from the Lord. I know it is okay to feel sad. It is not healthy to keep pushing those feelings away. But we need to be reminded again and again where to go for strength and comfort to go on.

Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. -Leonard Cohen

Living in the Land of the Shadow

None of us will come out of here alive unless Christ will return before our time comes to leave this earth. We are pilgrims on a journey to a better land. We can sing and shout for joy knowing there is a much, much better place being prepared for those that love the Lord. Sometimes even although our hearts are heavy with grief and tears are streaming down our faces or just suppressed beneath the surface we can still find that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

Happy Birthday, Justin!

We had a nice lunch at a restaurant with a patio for Justin's birthday. It was a beautiful summer day! We sat at a table for six, so there was an empty chair. There is this big hole in our family, a Renee-shaped hole. Her absence has left a very big aching empty void.

Kara had baked a three layer Mad King Ludwig's chocolate cake!

Happy Birthday, Jason

Oh, I am so waiting and longing to see you again. Wishing you a happy birthday! I don't know if you celebrate birthdays in heaven, but I love you and hope you have a good "day" with Renee and Kris.

"When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be."

I am praying that we will all be able to persevere and continue to live in fellowship with Christ and not give up the good fight, to win the battle against this world, so that we can all be together in heaven some day.

Happy Birthday, Kris

It is 35 years ago today that you were born -our first born son. I still miss you so much, wondering what it would be like if you had not died. A mother never gets "over" the loss of a child. You suffered so much pain in your short life. As a result of all your suffering you never learned to talk. Some day, I will have a conversation with you.

"My dear ones in glory, how they beckon me to come." I want to remain faithful and hang on to my faith and my Savior. "It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus, life's trials will seem so small, when we see Christ, one glimpse of his dear face, all sorrow will erase. So bravely run the race till we see Christ."

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful "day" in heaven with Jesus, and Renee and Jason and all the other saints who have gone on to their reward.

Love you Kris, wish I could send you some big hugs and lots of kisses, your mama.