My All in All

Dear Jesus,

You want to be my all in all, my everything. I need to keep my focus on you.

The grief/share email for today was about how to handle the anger which is a normal part of grief and to do it before the sun goes down. The sun has already gone down many times, so I guess I'd better get to work. I don't know if this can all be done in one day and I don't think I want to do it on the blog.

Six Months

Hi Renee,

Tomorrow it will be six months since you left us. Oh, how I wish you were still with us. Now all we have is memories, pictures of you, some of your stuff, and a big aching void. I have my ipod with your music, but I would much rather have you.

I guess I'll add a nice picture to this and then maybe it won't seem quite so sad. I thought maybe the clouds would do. It makes me think of heaven.

Where exactly is heaven ? Somewhere up above the clouds? or not so far away?

I wish I could give you a hug, but rest assured, I love you very much and miss you so much. Some days I feel like I will go crazy, but I'm going to be okay, at least I hope so.

Taking a Break

Hi Renee,

Do you like my picture of the lilies? Thanks for all you taught me about photography - I think I did learn a few things anyway. I really like the camera we bought for you last summer, which I am using now. It helps me to feel connected to you in a small way.

I was mowing the lawn and thinking so much about you. I used to complain about our lawn not being green enough, and then you reminded me that at least we had grass and that lots of kids grow up not even knowing what grass is, in places like Jordan and some of the other countries you visited. I am so thankful that you helped me get a better perspective. It is still often out of whack. It is hard to find the right balance.

I miss you so much,

Love from,

Your mom

Tears, Truth, Anger and Grace

I just listened to the message again from the Redeemer Presbyterian from the Sunday after 9/11. That is a very comforting service. Dr. Keller emphasizes how we need tears, truth, anger and grace when faced with suffering and death. I wanted to be genuine and embrace my grief, but in my desire not to be a burden, I probably kept the tears too much to myself again. Weep with those that weep. I think we need to learn how to do that, myself included, instead of just glossing it over. Jesus wept, and he is weeping with us.

The truth that we need is that Jesus IS the Resurrection and the Life. He can bring new life out of the tragedies that come our way. And apparently the verse that says that Jesus was troubled as he approached Lazarus's grave should read, he was angry. God is angry at death. And Jesus knew that by resurrecting Lazarus, he was putting himself into the grave. From that day on the religious leaders were seeking to put him to death.

And then we need grace. We need grace to know what to do with our anger and allow Jesus to be the Resurrection and the Life to us, as we continue to some how try to cope with all the multiple layers of grief one day at a time.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

That poem is mentioned in the June '08 Guideposts I was reading this morning. I googled it and watched a couple of different versions of it on YouTube. The words are beautiful and calming, but I'm not sure what to think of it. We do need to release the tears. Maybe this is just glossing over the sorrow of death.

While I was at it I also watched several versions of "Nothing But the Blood." One was by Jars of Clay. Another one that ministered to me was their "Angels are God's Messengers - I'll Fly Away. " "I'll Fly Away" was the song we sang at the graveside on that bitterly cold March day.

More on Anger

I just read a quote this morning in Guideposts. "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of potential happiness." I don't know what to do with all these emotions. You can't just stuff them down deep someplace, cause that leads to depression.

Another interesting quote: "If at the end of the day you feel dog tired maybe it's because you growled all day." I know this grieving is hard work and sometimes I feel dog tired before the day
has even started.

"The joy of the Lord is your strength. To have this joy you must praise for it." That is a stanza from that song I found in the hymnal at the church we went to in NYC. So I must keep praising the Lord whether I feel like it or not.

Anger

I think that if I would really express how I feel a lot of the time, maybe nobody would want to read these blogs. Some of the anger issues are probabaly better to just leave them with God. Our message at church was about Jonah and how God kept giving him second chances and about his anger issues.

There are a lot of things going on that should make us very angry and other things that should just slide off our backs. Anyway, I don't know really know what else to say about this right now, so I should just quit. I do know that it makes me angry that Renee did not get to live out her life and make the films that she was dreaming of producing to proclaim the truth of the gospel. I don't know if I have a right to be angry about that or not and I'm not angry at God.

This Day

Psalm 105:4 I came across this verse again this morning. "Search for the Lord and for his strength, and keep on searching." In the pages of God's Word we will discover a God who is waiting for us to find him. I know God gave me strength to get through the winter - our journey through the return of Renee's leukemia. There were so many people praying for Renee and our family. I want to trust that God will continue to be with us as we continue this journey of grief.

Suffering is universal, and there are some very crazy situations in the world, with all the war and crime and craziness. The song, "This is my Father's World" helped to bring me a sense of peace, as I was trying to get back into a routine after coming home from NYC after Renee's first session of treatments at the end of '05. "Though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet."

Proverb for the Day

It is dangerous to make a rash promise to God before counting the cost.

- Proverbs 20:25