What Have I Learned?

That was the question asked in the grief/share email today. Well, one thing I have learned is that people actually do care, even if they don't understand or don't say anything because they don't know what to say. That has made it a bit easier. At least I haven't had to go through that whole battle of thinking that nobody cares.

I did go through a period of time where I felt very lonely and felt like withdrawing. It did take a lot of courage some days just to get up and face the day. I had to battle with the question of do I have what it takes to make it through another day. Do I even want to? Then came the realization that every day I am one day closer to eternity and one day closer to being with the loved ones that are waiting in heaven for me.

Another thing I am learning is that I must desire God more than anything else. Jeremiah 7 -11 was part of my Bible reading for today. "Lord, there is no one like you!"

Happy Birthday, Renee

Renee, it is twenty five years ago today that you were born. And it is already your second birthday in heaven with Jesus. You always loved celebrating your birthdays so much. You would sometimes start planning your birthday parties before Christmas and I had to slow you down a bit.

I'm so thankful for all the good memories we have, of your joy and love of life and people and your love for our heavenly Father. I don't need to say this, because you already know it, but I'm missing you so terribly much. However, I'm trying to keep my focus on our precious Savior and not so much on my pain.

Renee, I'm sure you are having a very happy, happy day in that place where there is no more pain.

Angels

Well, we survived the first anniversary of Renee's death. Oh, I hate that word, but that is just how it is. However, the moment Renee took her last breath on this earth, she was more alive than ever, praising God with all her might together with the angels.

The topic for this week from "The One Year Book of Hope" is angels. "Angels show us how to worship in fear and freedom, in faithfulness and fullness. We might think that angels would grow comfortably familiar with being in the presence of God, but they are eternally in awe of him, filled with holy fear. However, they are not frozen with fear. ... They shout and sing and fly. This freedom is what we, too, were made for! Angels show us what wholehearted, all-the-time worship looks like - gazing at Jesus on the throne, responding to him with reverent fear, enjoying him with great freedom, obeying him with genuine joy, and inviting the whole world to gaze on his beauty. Our lesson from the angels begins when we recognize the holiness of God."

There is more, but maybe that is enough for today. The above picture is from when we were at the grief retreat in Pennsylvania and it seemed like a special cloud, an angel cloud.

Cabbage Soup

I just made a pot of cabbage soup, accompanied with some tears. I remembered that cabbage soup is what Renee requested me to make for her a year ago. She wanted to make sure I wouldn't make the cabbage pieces too big, so it would be easier for her to eat. She hadn't eaten any thing for a few days. The only thing she had been able to get down was smoothies. Justin actually went and got the cabbage. I was still feeling kind of out of it from donating stem cells, so I said I would make it later. But that never happened. When it became apparent that Renee was having trouble breathing, things went into high gear and I never even ate supper. Had a few crackers when I realized I was getting hungry. So now here we are a year later.

I Can Only Imagine

I am writing this with tears in my eyes, as I'm listening to that song. I was looking for a sermon that I had just downloaded on my computer this morning. There where all these untitled tracks from before which I always thought was also a sermon from Redeemer. As it turns out it is an album, one of the many that Renee put on my computer just two weeks before her heaven day. To think that this song was there all this time, it is almost a year already, and I didn't know about it. She was very thorough in doing all the titles properly, but why she did not do this one, I'll never know. I don't even know who the artist is, but it is a very beautiful rendition of that song: "I Can Only Imagine". For Renee it is reality now. It is so hard to believe that almost a whole year has gone by already. How is that possible?

A Thought For Today

I was looking through the Psalms for a verse to share. This one seemed to express my feelings for today. Psalm 38:9: "You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh."

My Alarm Clock

He is very faithful in waking me up each morning.

My First Christmas in Heaven

Christmas 2008 is history, but I wanted to post this anyway. I am sure Renee was and is praying really hard for her family.

(Renee took this picture of our Christmas tree in NYC last Christmas.)

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond descriptions to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you all the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven and I am walking with the KING.

Our SMALL family

With Grandma and Grandpa

Prayer

I took this picture a year ago. "Thanks, Renee for the smile. You are such a precious gift. We all miss you so incredibly much.... I treasure all the precious memories we have."

A quote from our church bulletin by Thomas Merton: "Prayer is an expression of who we are...We are a living incompleteness. We are a gap, an emptiness that calls for fulfillment."

Renee expressed a lot of this in her prayer journals.

The Big Picture

I would once again like to share the grief/share email for today. It would be nice to be able to remember this truth a little bit more consistently and to let it change our attitudes, etc.

Remember the Larger Picture
Day 197

Sometimes when you ask why, He answers by reminding you of the eternal picture. Learn to live your life in light of eternity. Live each day from the perspective of one whose life lasts forever.

Dr. Joseph Stowell says, "I can't underscore enough how important it is to prepare for grief and sorrow ahead of time. One of the ways to do that is to get a grip on eternity, on the world to come. Learn to live here in the light of there so that you are seeing all of your daily affairs and daily routines in light of the world to come. You need to see all of your interactions and reactions and value systems in light of the value systems of the world to come. Then when grief or sudden loss or wrenching sorrow and deep disappointment shatter your world, you are already schooled in all the realities that give you strength in that moment."

There is much more to this life than just doing your best day by day until you die. The big picture is that a glorious eternity is in store for those who know the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

"Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off" (Proverbs 23:18 nasb).

"And this is what he promised us—even eternal life" (1 John 2:25).

Eternal Savior, thank you that You have given me abundant life through a relationship with You. Every time I get bogged down with life on this earth, remind me of the reality of a glorious, eternal future in heaven. Amen.

---

Questions

The grief/share emails have been really good the last few days. Here is part of the one for today:

You will likely have questions to which you will never receive answers. It is human nature to want all the pieces to fit, to want to make sense of things. But there are times when that will not happen. "I was real angry because I couldn't get answers," says Dora of her daughter's death. "I now realize that there really is no logical reason why my daughter suffered. It is what it is, and to say that she suffered and died for my betterment or for our growth does not make sense. So I've come to realize that I'll never get an answer to that question."

Here is another part from a few days ago that I thought was really good. Too often people give you the impression that it is wrong to ask questions:

It is natural to have questions when unwanted and unexpected loss comes into your life. The more traumatic the loss, the greater the questions. Dr. Tim Clinton says, "Not long ago when I lost my mother, I struggled with the question why. Why so early? Why so quickly? When you ask why, you are in essence validating your own humanness and realizing you are not in control." Express your questions freely, but realize that you cannot control your life or anyone else's. The sovereign God is higher than all, and His ways are beyond comprehension. "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8).

What Happens After Christmas?

When it was first announced that the Blue service that our church was putting on together with another church would be on December 30, I did not know what would be the point. By then I would have survived Christmas and the month of December. But yesterday I knew it was just what I needed.

The Compassionate Friends Jan/Feb newsletter arrived in the mail. Renee's name being there in the list of children loved, missed and remembered for the month of February really hit me. I had submitted one of her poems in her memory to be printed in this issue. It was something she wrote in '05. It expressed how she felt and it is kind of the same as the reading from Job at the service last night from Job 23:2-13. Job looked to the north, south, west and east but could not find God, yet he knew that God was there.

In the newsletter was also an article with the title: "What Happens after Christmas?" "They can be quiet times in which we can work at our healing and growth. the healing will never be perfect, and there will always be scars, because love has the capacity to leave scars. But the scars can produce a growth beyond just survival."

Clara Hinton's quote for the week was really good too. "For every tear you shed, a seed of hope is being watered."

We Need More Faith

In "The One Year Book of Hope" on healing miracles the author, Nancy Guthrie writes, "There is a mystery to God's miracles we do not understand." She goes on to say, " Often I see the body of Christ put so much into pursuing God for physical healing. With great boldness and passion and persistence, we cry out to God, begging for healing of the body. And in these prayers there is often a tiny P.S. added at the end where we say, 'If it be your will.' But shouldn't we switch that around? Shouldn't we cry out to God with boldness and passion and persistence in a prayer that says, 'God, would you please accomplish your will? Would you give me a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose? Would you mold me into an instrument you can use to accomplish what you have in mind?' And then, perhaps, we could add a tiny P.S. that says, 'If that includes healing, we would be grateful."

The reading for the next day is titled, "We Need More Faith." The author says," But sometimes I wondered, faith in what? Faith in God, or faith in faith? Submission to God or insisting on a particular outcome? Sometimes it seems as if people think they feel that they must prove to God that they have enough faith and no doubt - that God not only can but will heal them - in order for God to grant their request for healing."

She goes on to say, "Rather than giving the disciples a formula for increasing their faith, Jesus told them that it isn't the amount of faith that matters, but the object of the faith. If the object of your faith is your ability to work up enough to impress God, your faith will be as weak as your flesh. If the object of your faith is a particular outcome for your situation, your faith will be as weak as your wisdom. But if the source and object of your faith is the Almighty God, even if it the weak, mustard-seed variety, your faith will be enough for whatever God allows into your life."

What do you think? Is this an accurate interpretation of what Jesus was teaching his disciples?

The book I'm reading now is "Life of the Beloved" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I would recommend it as a must read.

In the bulb, there is a flower.

This is one of the songs they did at the Blue Christmas service we went to last night.

In the bulb, there is a flower
in the seed, an apple tree
in cocoons, a hidden promise butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter
there's a spring that waits to be
unveiled until its season,
something God alone can see.

There is a song in every silence
seeking word and melody.
There's a dawn in every darkness
bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future
what it holds, a mystery
unveiled until its season,
something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning,
in our time, infinity
in our doubt there is believing
in our life, eternity.

In our death, a resurrection,
at last, a victory,
unveiled until its season,
something God alone can see.
- Natalie Sleeth

Listen on YouTube

Walk with Me

Walk with me through my hurts
Be with me. Hold me.
Tell me it's OK to feel the way I do
Do not tell me it will be all right...
Not to be angry...not to cry.

When you tell me to understand
What has happened and to accept it
Without first feeling anger, grief or pain
...that's for you.

When you tell me to understand
The other people, or when you excuse them
For the pain they caused me
...that's for you.

If someone bothers me
Or I cry,
Hold my hand,
Be near and understand.

When you do not ask me
Or talk to me
About my feelings, my grief, my sorrow
...that's for you.

When you take my agony,
And compare it to yours,
Or make mine sound small compared to yours
...that's for you.

Walk with me through my feelings,
Let me share my joys and sorrows,
Fears and hopes, hates and loves,
Do not ignore or deny them
Understand them.

Then someday, another time,
Even tomorrow,
I may walk with you through yours....

Otherwise, we shall both be alone,
And I can think of no sorrow worse
To be alone with my feelings
And you to be alone with yours.

- Dewaine Kolbo

It is 9 months today since our precious daughter, Renee left us. The introduction in the Daily Bread devotional yesterday was about how much joy it brings to hold the hand of a child to keep them safe, to keep them from stumbling. I had one of my grief burst moments as I read that. On the weekend as I had been walking along the Saskatchewan River in Saskatoon, I had been thinking quite a bit about holding Renee's hand in the various stages of her life and at the end. Then the excruciating moment came where I had to let go physically and the process of letting go continues. Grief means "torn apart".

Psalm 73 says that even although we stumble and make mistakes, the powerful hand of God is holding our hand and will walk with us through life - all the way home. It is a comforting thought that Jesus was there holding Renee's hand throughout her life and as she "crossed over" to the other side to her glorious destiny and that she is with the One whose birthday we are celebrating.

How can it be that almost a year has gone by since last Christmas?

Thank you to all who have prayed and are continuing to pray for us. Thank you for those who have shown that you care.

Unheimlichkeit

The latest series of messages we have been listening to from redeemer.com is on the so called parable of the Prodigal son. It is actually the story of two sons and the father. There sure is a lot packed into that one story. The one we listened to this morning was on Unheimlichkeit. Reminds me of the song, "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through."

We want everything on this earth to stay the same or at least the good parts. We wanted our relationship with our beautiful daughter Renee to continue. Ray loved his research and development work. For that to be taken away from him was so terribly painful. Now for him to start a new R & D under the circumstances of all this grief, it is so hard.

There are so many families broken as the result of selfishness, greed, and misunderstandings. Even although the process of forgiveness has started, it does not erase the pain. Family is supposed to be a place where you feel safe, but when you feel betrayed and rejected it causes so much pain. God wants us to come to Him and find our resting place in Him.

I finally got the book by Alan Wolfelt - "Understanding Your Grief". Wish I had had that book a long time ago.

Oh, this grieving is such lonely, hard work. It would be so nice to have someone come and just cry with me. But I don't do very well with crying when there are people around.

We did not do a good job of grieving our loss when Kris and Jason and Leona all died within one and half years. It was just too much to deal with. And everybody keeps saying God does not make mistakes. He won't give you more than you can handle. But we have been given more than we can handle. That is the truth of the matter.

When Lazarus died both of his sisters asked Jesus, "Where were you when our brother died?"

I'm listening to a CD right now that has the song on it, "One day at a time, Sweet Jesus." Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never be mine. " That reminded me of when that song was sung at a ladies meeting just before Renee was born.

Oh, God, I miss Renee so much, but I'm so thankful that we were blessed to have her in our family, for all the good memories.

Now I got myself a terrible headache from crying so much. Please, help me God to get through this terrible agony. Thank you for the assurance of the promise that you will never leave us or forsake us.

Lament or Praise

At the Grief/Share session today we learned that there are more Psalms that have complaint or lament as the main theme than Psalms that have praise or thanksgiving as the main theme. We can be honest to God about how we feel, as long as nobody else hears it. The people that wrote the psalms were an exception I guess.

The above picture I took at the silentgrief retreat. It was the only cloud in an otherwise perfectly clear blue sky. I felt like God gave it to me as a sign that He is with me. I am so thankful for the promise that God will never, ever leave us or forsake us.

Out of the Ashes

Some one made a comment about the picture I have on my blog header, that she was expecting a flower to pop up amidst all those broken and discarded flower pots. Yesterday I found this sunflower growing in the ashes and rubbish in the fire pit container in my back yard!

I also want to quote some things I read in the "One Year Book of Hope". "The value of a life is not determined by how long a person lives or by how much that person contributes. Every life is valuable because God himself gives life and breath. He is not only the source of life; he is also the source of satisfaction and meaning in life."

"This life is not all there is! This life is just a rehearsal for our real life, our forever life in the presence of God."

"He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is the Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve his needs - for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfies every need there is. His purpose in all of this is that the nations should seek after God and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him - though he is never far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and exist." - Acts 17:24-25, 27-28