Wisdom in Suffering

Listened to the sermon on "Wisdom in Suffering" again this morning - have been listening to that series on Job again this week as we were faced with the sudden tragic passing of Katelyn. To have wisdom in suffering, we need scary level, unconditional trust in God's love, is what Dr. Keller says. And that does not come easily most of the time, as Dr. Keller also admits.

The grief/share email today talks about how in our society we tend to gloss over grief, everything has to be so tidy and nice. "But life is not tidy and nice and pretending it is will hinder your healing process and make it even longer. "

"Realizing this, draw close to Him and listen to His wisdom. His perspective on your grief is the one you need to seek. "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9).

"Holy God, teach me to grieve wisely, knowing that You truly understand my hurts and my needs and knowing that Your way for me is far better than society's expectations of me. Amen."

Pain and Peace

Hi Renee, How was your day? I guess you don't really have days there in heaven. I have been thinking a lot about you as I do everyday. Today we were thinking a lot about heaven as we were at the memorial service for Katelyn. It was so beautiful to watch all the balloons going up and up and up. (The picture is from your memorial service - wish I had a better picture and I want to add a picture of Kateyn's balloons.) It was such a gorgeous summer day, unlike the terribly bitter cold day when we laid your body to rest, to wait for the resurrection.

The searing pain we experienced only five months ago when we realized that your life on earth was over was all too fresh in our memory still, as we got the tragic news of our friends losing their daughter and Kara losing a friend. I imagine you and Katelyn dancing and having a blast together. Don't forget us down here, who have to continue with the struggles and battles.

I listened to the entire Mindy Smith album this evening as I went for a walk. I wish so much I had asked you about Mindy. There are so many other things I wished we had talked about and just wish we could have had one moment more, as Mindy sings. Why did you get leukemia? Why did you get that lung infection? Why? why? why? so many whys.

I have been thinking again a lot about the song that gave me courage throughout the winter, "Be strong, be strong, be strong in the Lord." I don't want to give up, but want to "keep on believing" even when things get so hard - also from Mindy - that is such a beautiful album. Renee, I can never thank you enough for putting all that music on my iPod.

More next time. Renee, I love you so much. Can't wait to see you again.

My Saturday Night Special

I like to listen to Jonathan Helser - The Awakening album on my iPod on Saturday nights to prepare me for worship on Sunday. (Thank you, thank you Renee for putting this album on my iPod - as well as all the others. I now realize my mistake - it is Helser and not Hesler as I said in a previous blog. I am so embarrassed by this mistake.) The songs about the incredible love God has for us, about heaven and being more like Jesus. I need to learn to pray about everything and trust God's love one hundred percent. I know He loves me one hundred percent - his love is unchanging - to just receive more of his love - to live as one who knows that I am loved outrageously - to be set free from despair and all those fears - to be set free from myself.

Perfect love casts out fear. Oh God, how can I ever thank you enough for all the beautiful gifts you have given me. Even although I have experienced such horrible, terrible losses that are more than I can bear, I love you, Jesus and want to live for you. (I needed to get some tissues and now I will quickly post this and see if I can get some sleep.)

Silent Helper

The devotional from Our Daily Bread today was a good reminder that our list of praises should be longer than our list of petitions. Just like our white blood cells quietly do their work, yet receive little recognition if all goes well, our Lord often gets blamed when things go wrong, but seldom gets credit for all the things that go right. No one knows how many times God has protected us from harm.

One of the things that kept me going last winter was to journal at the end of every day, at least three things that I was thankful for. That helped me throughout the day to think of positive things, instead of dwelling on the negatives.

I have started doing that again, but am not quite as faithful now as my days are not quite as structured as they were in NYC.

Today I am thankful for flowers, friends and our family - the three wonderful children that are with us and the three that are with Jesus. I am thankful for friends that have been an encouragement and have been willing and able to listen to various degrees.

Growing Wings

Saturday afternoon I had the overwhelming desire to grow wings to fly away and never come back. That reminded me of the verses that we find in Psalm 55 where David says, "Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! I would fly away to the quiet wilderness. How quickly I would escape - far away from this wild storm of hatred."

This morning the song came to my mind that we sang as we said good-bye to Renee, "I'll fly away, Oh glory, I'll fly away " as we watched the balloons sail off into the bitterly cold winter sky with the sun setting behind us.

All the stress of trying to get the computers working, as a result of having the business so brutally split apart, and trying to find a shop or location to build a new one on top of trying to deal with the grief of losing Renee is sometimes just overwhelming. They say God will never give us more than we can handle, but I'm not sure if I agree with that. But if we ask Him to carry the load, I think we should be able to survive.

I have been reminded of Bugs Bunny who was repeated runover and completely flattened out. That is how we have been feeling, except unlike Bugs Bunny it is taking us longer to recover from this being run over process.

Saturday we did a little 2 hour trip. That was a nice relaxing change, meeting with some very good friends. Yesterday we had a quiet day, with a walk in Bird's Hill Park in the evening and I did find Ladies Slippers - pink and yellow ones.

This morning we listened to the first message from the new series on the Seven Letters to the Churches from the Book of Revelation from Redeemer - the Last and the First - God wants to be our Alpha and Omega.

To Be Loved

Yesterday it was four months since Renee's passing - promotion to glory - eight months since we went to Vancouver - October 25 was the day that Renee got the word that she had relapsed - three years since she was first diagnosed with leukemia. Some how by the grace of God we have made it though another day, another month, another year.

One of our coping strategies is to listen to lots and lots of those messages from Redeemer Presbyterian from NYC - they can be down loaded from their website. This morning I was listening to another one from the Easter series - about Mary who was the first witness to Jesus' resurrection - a woman being the first witness is quite significant - proving that this is not just a made up story - they would never have picked a woman to be the first witness.

Some of the things that stand out in mind from this message and others:
We need to be seek Jesus (the real Jesus - not just what we think He should be) and to be found by Him - to be known by Him and to know Him - to be loved by Him and to love. Once we truly understand that we are saved by grace alone and realize how amazing that grace is, it makes a huge difference. Once we really believe that Jesus was resurrected, we can know that the gospel is the truth and it can change us. I want it to change me, but it just seems too painfully slow sometimes. I need to remind myself often that God's grace is sufficient.

COME TO ME

I have a plaque by the fireplace that I need to read quite often these days.

COME TO ME

When you are hurting, come to Me and

I WILL BIND YOUR WOUNDS.

When you need to be assured, come to Me and

I WILL GIVE YOU MY EMBRACE.

When you can no longer go on, come to Me and

I WILL CARRY YOU.

When you need comfort, come to Me and

I WILL WIPE YOUR TEARS.

When you are uncertain of My love, come to Me and

I WILL SPEAK MY HEART TO YOU.

- Roy Lessin

The title of the message we listened to this morning is "I AM" - the first message in the St. John's Passion series by Dr. Timothy Keller of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC. Jesus did not come to show us the way to God, as all religions try to do. He said, "I AM THE WAY."

Someone who can Feel it when we are Hurting

Why? Why? Why? I try not to ask that question too much, but sometimes it just happens and the tears come. Children are not supposed to die before the parents. Renee had so much she wanted to do for God. Who will do what she wanted to do?

We have been having some amazing sunsets lately. I enjoy taking these photos. It helps me to feel connected to Renee in a small way.

On the way to the golf tournament in the morning, I was reading some verses from the new Lifelight Testament. Was reading from Hebrews. Came across the verses in chapter four that say, "We have a High Priest who can feel it when we are weak and hurting. We have a High Priest who was tempted in every way, just as we are. But he did not sin. So let us boldly approach the throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy. We will find grace to help us when we need it."

Yesterday morning I read some chapters from Exodus. I came across a verse that says, " And when they realized that the Lord had seen their misery and was deeply concerned for them, they all bowed their heads and worshiped."

Also yesterday in an email we received, I was reminded of those precious verses from Hebrews that encourage us to "run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus." By remembering that Jesus suffered infinitely more than than we can imagine - going to hell, taking upon himself the sin of the whole world - everybody that has ever lived or ever will - being seperated from the God to pay the price to set us free, so we could experience being made right with God, as if we had never sinned. We need to remind ourselves of that, to keep things in perspective, so we don't become weary and give up.

Christ Be with Me

I arise today

Through God's strength to pilot me:

God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to protect me.

Christ be with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down

Christ when I arise

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.

St. Patrick

This was printed in the memorial folder Alayna and Kara put together. Maybe most of you who are reading this blog were at one of the memorial services we had for Renee and would have gotten a copy. (I read it aloud every day - usually quite forcefully - so the enemy will know that I mean business about living for Christ.)

Renee's pastor in Vancouver had shared a part of this prayer by St. Patrick with her the Sunday before she got her test results back and had told her to look it up online and print the whole thing and she did. I saw her doing it that day when we got there after she got the devasting news that the terrible leukemia had come back. She had carried that prayer with her the whole time in her backpack and then when we cleaned up her room we found it on her windowsill.

We had Renee's friend, Wade, who is a DJ and is also the assistant pastor of her church read the whole St. Patrick's Breastplate to his favorite piece of music at the memorial services. That was a very powerful.

We are so thankful that Wade and Joanna could come and lead the services and do what they did, although it was extremely hard for them. It was just perfect - the leading of the singing by Joanna, her sharing of Renee's involvement with YWAM - and everything else - brings tears to my eyes.

"Left to Blossom"

"Left to Blossom"
A Mother’s Tribute to her Daughter
"Left to Blossom" is also the title of a film Renee co-produced
while studying at Capilano College

Renee (Born Again) Amaryah (God has Promised) Lalani (Heavenly Flower), was born on March 18, 1984.She was promoted to glory 3 weeks before her 24th birthday.

Renee, we will always remember you, sometimes with tears, but also with lots of smiles, for all the beauty and joy you brought into our lives.

Renee packed as much as possible into her short time on this earth. Renee loved going to camp. She would go to as many camps as possible in one summer: Beaver Creek Bible Camp, horsemanship camp, and music camp.

Renee, I’m so thankful that you loved Jesus, our God and Savior with all your heart, soul and mind, serving Him in whatever capacity you could, working at camp, teaching Sunday School and being a youth leader. I am glad that you decided to do the DTS with YWAM and working on staff at www.YWAMVancouver.com. I’m so very happy that you got to go Jordan and Greece with YWAM, and that you were obedient to God’s calling to join the WAVE USA.

But why Renee did not get to do all fifty states, we will never know. She was diagnosed with leukemia when the WAVE USA team got to Cleveland, Ohio at the end of June, 2005. Renee only made it to twenty six states. After treatment at MSKCC.org she was in remission for 2 years.

I’m glad that you could study film production at Capilano and you got to work in the industry for a few months. You would have loved to continue, and some day start your own business, to produce all those films you dreamed about, but the devastating leukemia came back.
It was very special that I could be there for Renee in New York during treatments for six months in ’05 and then four months since the end of October ’07.
Renee, I’ll always cherish those ten months we had together, doing things together when you felt up to it, whether it was going to art museums, to the park, or going out to eat at some of the many wonderful restaurants, enjoying all that yummy ethnic food, or watching movies together and countless hours of TV. And I will also always cherish all those conversations you and I had.
It was a joy to cook for Renee, I got to make those delicious dishes she requested. Cooking our last Christmas dinner together will always be a very special memory.
Renee, I’m so happy that on my birthday, just two weeks before you were promoted to glory we could go out to a Persian restaurant, to enjoy the world’s oldest cuisine and that we could walk to Central Park together in the snow, one of the few snow days we had all winter in New York.
And thank you so much, Renee, for talking your dad into getting an iPod for me and thank you so very much for uploading all those songs by your favorite artists for me. Listening to those songs now, helps me to understand even better your passions, beliefs and desires.
And Renee, thanks a million for the CD you made for me before Christmas with some of your favorite worship music.

We played that CD over and over on Renee’s last day while we were waiting for her sisters to arrive. But Renee could not hang on long enough, because their flight was delayed. I’m so glad that Renee’s brother was there, because he had not seen Renee since she went back to New York.

I’m so sorry, Renee, that I could not do more for you. I feel like I let you down. I felt so helpless, so sorry you relapsed and had to go back to New York, and sorry that you had leukemia in the first place, sorry that you were born with Severe Combined Immunodeficiency. Sorry that you got the lung infection. Sorry that you had to get more chemo.
Renee, I’m so sorry that we had to say good-bye to you so soon. The tears are about us, about our pain in losing a precious daughter, a loving sister, a wonderful friend, cousin, granddaughter and niece.

To know that Renee impacted so many people in her short time on this earth brings me comfort.
And to know God who is the God of all comfort is so precious. We experienced the power of prayer in so many ways.
We may never know the answer to our many whys and what-ifs, but we need to trust in God’s love, as Renee did. As a result of her suffering, Renee came to the conclusion that it was not so much about the answers, as it was about the questions.
We trusted God and hoped that this upcoming transplant was going to be successful, and that Renee would be able to continue with her mission of serving God "To mobilize the church into missions, and to see truth proclaimed through the arts".
For reasons we do not understand this was not to be. Renee was spared further suffering and is now in the place where we all want to be, a place with no more tears and no more pain.
I know Renee does not want to be remembered as the girl with cancer, but as a woman with a passion for justice and peace, a heart for the less fortunate, proclaiming a message of hope.
One of the countries Renee visited for the outreach part of the DTS, was Cambodia. In this place where she saw so much pain, she was inspired to get the Cambodian word for hope tattooed on her ankle. Renee’s life was a good example of what it means to serve the truth of the gospel.
I’m praying that many will step forward to carry on the work that Renee wanted to do for God.

Renee, I know you could have done a much better job of writing this, but I did the best I could. If you had edited it, you would probably have cut out at least one third of it. So now this is your mama saying, "See you later, Renee. I love so very much. We all love you and will all miss you terribly much.
Give Kris and Jason lots of hugs from me and of course Jesus too. I’ll be with you again some day."

"Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King." I am looking forward to that day when the King will return, "when those who have died will rise from their graves and then together with them, we who remain on earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air and remain with Him forever. So comfort and encourage each other with these words."
We want to give a special thanks to everybody who had a part in the memorial services we had for Renee. The first one was at the chapel at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Centre where Renee was treated as a baby and for the leukemia. We had two services in Manitoba. March 1, at Eastview Community Church and in Riverton on March 2 with internment at the Mennville EMC Church cemetery.

Had a Good Mother's Day

Our dinner with our family turned out good. We went to the Ethiopian restaurant that we had gone to in '06 for my birthday. Renee was with us at that meal. We had wanted to go there for her birthday this year, but it was closed that day. You have to wait quite long for your food there, but it is worth the wait! For a special occassion, you don't mind making it last as long as possible. You just have to know that you can't come there expecting to eat any time soon! For dessert we went down the street to Baked Expectations - the same routine we did for my birthday that year.

I like to read the part of the St. Patrick's Breastplate that we printed in the memorial folder for Renee every day. It helps me to keep my eyes on Jesus. Maybe I need to read it many times a day.

Happy Mother's Day!

I am the mother of six children - three that dance with Jesus in heaven and three that are with us on this earth. My prayer is that we will also all walk with Jesus while we are still on this earth with the help of the Holy Spirit.

(I got the following poem from a friend whose mother passed away recently.)

You can shed tears that she is gone

or you can smile because she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty, and turn your back

or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.

- David Harkins

This is the struggle that I am finding myself in. The last few days, especially as mother's day was coming up and as I was trying to clean up all the stuff we brought home from NYC, I was feeling very overwhelmed with regrets, sorrow, grieving, etc. The desire is there some days, because the pain is so relentless and emormous - to close my mind to that and try to forget everything, but I don't really want to do that.

Last night as I was struggling with this, I picked up the "Daily Grace for Women" book I got from my "bowling sisters" - opened it at random and read a devotional based on 2 Cor. 4 : 17 & 18 - good reminder - to keep focused on things eternal and not on the things of this earth. The caption on the bottom of the page goes like this, "God has not abandoned you to face your struggles alone. He will give you the strength that you need to overcome any hardship."

This morning as I was getting ready for church two hymns came to my mind which ministered to my wounded heart. "Standing on the Promises" - which also came to me at a very critical moment in my journey last winter. The other one was, "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand." I want to keep standing and not give in to the temptation to give up hope and fall into despair and depression.

I don't actually think there is any thing wrong with letting the tears come. It can actually be very therapeutic. It takes a lot of energy - this grieving - whether it is letting the tears come or trying to hold them in. I think it is impossible to always be as positive as the poem suggests, although that might be the goal. God gave us emotions for a reason. To suppress them all the time is not healthy either. There has to be a healthy balance.

When Job was grieving all his losses, he tore his robe in grief, fell to the ground and in all of that he did not sin by blaming God. That is the wisdom we need in suffering - not to blame God.

The songs we sang at the worship service today, also really ministered to me - thanks to the worship team. The first one was "Mighty to Save" - which had become very meaningful to me over the winter. It was sung at the church we attended in NYC and then I found it on Integrity Music's website and played it a lot whenever I needed a boost - along with "Hungry (Falling on my Knees).

We also sang a new song today - new to me - that I really liked - about how amazing God is. It brought the tears to my eyes.

For those of you reading this, you can say a little prayer for our family - that all of us in our grieving process will realize that God has not abanoned us - that He is with for us and will never leave us or forsake us, as the promise goes. Thank you.

It is very nice today, for a change, so we want to go walking in the park and later go out for dinner with the three wonderful children that are still with us.

I Love You, I Love You, I Love You

I have been listening a lot to the songs on my iPod - the songs that Renee uploaded for me just two weeks before she left us. One of the songs by Jonathan Hesler talks about how much God loves us - outrageously much - one hundred percent - all the time - all the way. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more and nothing we can do to make God love us less. Amazing love! How can it be that my God would die for me - go to hell for me?

It just makes me weep to think that He loved me that much. All I can do is say, "I love You, I love You, I Love You." And pray that my life will show that I really truly do love Jesus with all my heart. Too often I get all twisted up with the little petty things that don't really make any difference.

Grief & Pain

I am still working on this book which is a study of grief and pain in the plan of God, based on the book of Lamentations.

The focal point of the first chapter - Coping with Grief is that we must always confess that the Lord is 'right', 'just' and 'righteous' in all His ways taken from verse 18 of Lam. 1. Four elements of coping with grief are given in this chapter.

1) In its Loneliness - "We are taught to pour out our complaint, sorrow, anguish to the God in whose presence we not only live but also suffer."

2)In its Causes - "It is not always necessary or even desirable to probe one's past for all the root causes of pain and suffering, but when we come to realize that some forms of suffering are retributive and are connected with previous sin nothing will assuage our pain or allow us to cope with grief until we acknowledge our guilt and repeated transgressions."

3)In its Purposes - One of the purposes of grief as given in this chapter is to turn us back to the Lord - a total reversal of one's field - a 180 degree turnaround to face God and His purposes.

4) In its confessions - That God is in the right and we are in the wrong. We instinctively seek human sympathy, but there is no help from men. We must appeal to our Lord to witness our great mental and emotional state of agitation and to turn to Him for comfort.

I need you, I need you, I need you

Heavenly Father, I need you, I need you, I need you. I need you to be my strength. I feel so weak. I need you to be my joy. I feel so depressed and sad or something, not all the time, but it comes and goes. I need you to be my all in all. I need you to be the reason that I live.

Regretting the Past

In talking with some friends over the weekend, I was encouraged to go on with life and the grieving process. It was very helpful to have somebody to talk with that would help me to understand that I need to get over all those regrets.

It was very nice to visit with our friends in Boston, that we had not seen in 13 years. Their son had a transplant in '89 . Was not doing very good the last time we saw them, but had another transplant in '97. It was nice to see him doing so well, but that opened up a whole new set of questions and regrets.

That is why I needed to talk to someone, because the burden was getting too heavy.

I had a glorious time on the beach Friday morning, taking pictures of the ocean in the fog. It was so beautiful, as you see in the pictures. I had met a lady on my way back to the hotel. Her daughter had cancer and she herself has a form of cancer. We were talking about the power of prayer. We sure felt that power during our time in New York this winter.

Thanks again for praying. The battle is not over. Ray is having a very hard time with the thing that he loved so much, the R&D aspect of the business being taken away from him, and so much more. He can always start a new R&D, but is is very hard to start from scratch again. Please pray for him.

I listened to #6 message in the series on Job again last night. He talks about how just because we can't see a reason for our suffering, doesn't mean that there isn't a reason. And sometimes it is not so much about us knowing a reason, as to just learn to trust God more.

This morning I came across one of many papers that I keep in my Bible. This one I have read over many times and found encouragement in it again.

"I AM"

I was regretting the past

and fearing the future

Suddenly my Lord was speaking

My name is "I AM". He paused

I waited. He continued.

When you live in the past

with all its mistakes and regrets,

it is very hard. I am not there.

My name is not I WAS.

When you live in the future

it is hard. I am not there.

My name is not I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment

it is not hard. I am here.

My name is "I AM".

I think I actually posted this already once before. But is was a good reminder to me again. When this lady I met asked me what I was taking pictures of, I said I was just trying to see the beauty around me and to see things the way Renee had in her many photographs. There is so much beauty here in St. Simons Island.

Saturday we went to see Old Savannah, that Renee was so anxious for us to see. She had suggested we should do a road trip to Savannah in spring. I would love to call her and talk to her about it.

We are going again today. There is a Gospel Riverboat Cruise on the Savannah River that we want to do, and we want to do and see and experience more of the historic part of the city, the largest historic section of any city here. So much of that was all destroyed during the war, but for some reason, Savannah was spared.

Why is there still so much destruction going on around the world, where so many historic buildings are being destroyed? and so many people's lives being snuffed out? These are just a few of the questions of peace and justice that need an answer.

Blue Sky

We had beautiful weather all the way to NYC, the sky was blue with some interesting clouds.

I couldn't remember why I had felt the need to write the previous blog, but it came back to me yesterday. After listening again to the first message in the series of messages on Job,Pastor Keller talks about how we need so much to stay in relation with God when we go through suffering.

When I read that devotional about Jesus always standing ready at our door, waiting to be asked in for some fellowship with us,I was wondering why are we often so hestitant to do that? He just wants to meet with us, weep with us, put his arms around us and hold us close. He loves us so outrageously much. Why are we afraid to let Him in? Maybe because we might have to give up some "secret sin" or be held accountable for every word we say, and every thought we think. This was mentioned during the confession time at Redeemer yesterday, that so often our words and thoughts are nothing at all like Jesus, too often very foul.

I know I have already today spoken some very foul words. Why do I think I have the right to say these things just cause I am feeling angry? Is it supposed to make me feel better? Does it help? Well, maybe we just need to vent our feelings sometimes, but we have to be careful that we don't hurt other people in the process.

There was something about this in the Psalm we read this morning - But I have to go now.

Behold I Stand at the Door

I took the sunset picture on the way to Fargo on Thursday, also the one Ray has on his blog.

This morning I listened to Jonathan Hesler on my iPod - one of the albums that Renee put on it for me. I listened to it for the first time, the morning after the memorial service in Vancouver. Why I had never listened to it before that, I don't know. The songs are all very powerful. I've Seen I AM - "because I've seen I AM, I know who I am." The one after that is called I See. It talks about God's outrageous love for us. We need to realize that we are God's beloved, that there is nothing we can do to make God love us less, and that He loves us because that is who He is.

Now I'm listening to Jason Upton, one of Renee's favorite artists. He is very passionate about being in the will of God, which is the bondage breaker. That we would follow hard after Him, instead of hard after sin, because he is the only one that can fill the void in us.

That reminds me of the devotional we read yesterday from Our Daily Bread, which I now see is actually for tomorrow. It is based on Rev. 3:20. "Jesus does not play hide-and-seek. You can find Him at the door of your heart - the core of your existence - waiting to come in. He doesn't just want to meet you at the church door, or to be kept at bay on the outer edges of your life. Rather, He longs to be in the center of your dreams, deliberations, and desires. He wants a real relationship with the real you."

I started reading a book called, "Grief & Pain" by Walter C Kaiser Jr. I'm hoping to write more about that in my next blog.

Merry Christmas!

It looked so Christmasy today - the fresh snow and sunshine.

We had to sign more papers again. When will it ever stop? This stuff we had all signed in Vancouver already, in the midst of trying to have the memorial service. Right now I am feeling very angry. I am so angry, I would like to hurt somebody, but that is not my job. Ray is so tired of having to deal with this crap! There are lots of other things I would like to say, but don't know if it would do any good. I just don't understand how someone can feel so justified in treating their brother like this. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry, but this is just too hard!

Father, forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us. Lead us not into tempatation, but deliver us from evil.

Thank you Jesus, that you were made sin for us, so that we can stand forgiven at the cross.

We didn't get away today, on account of dealing with this crap and just being too exhausted. Thanks guys for praying, really appreciate it. Don't know how we could possibly survive without that!

A double dose of grief does not mean that you can be more efficient and get it over with quicker, just takes so much longer to deal with - how can we ever get back to any kind of normal life?

Darkness Reflects the Sun

"Darkness reflects the sun. Blackness reflects nothing. Between grief and nothing I will take grief." - The Wild Palms by William Falkner

I found the paper today on which I had scribbled this quote from one of the exhibits at the Museum of Modern Art when Alayna, Lynne and I were there in February, which seems like so many, many ages ago. I don't know if it makes any sense, but that is kind of how everything feels nowadays, like nothing really makes any sense.

After I posted the blog this morning, I started feeling more peaceful. Thanks for praying. The nice thing about blogs is that it allows us to be more open and honest about our feelings. It is very hard to do that in person, because you are always expected to have it all together.

We are now planning to drive to New York City and maybe spend some time at a beach house the second week of April. Does anybody know of a nice beach house we could stay at in West Virginia or Georgia? or some place along the eastern coast?

We are not sure yet what we will end up doing, but if we take a car, there are more possibilities - more flexibility as to what we can do, if we feel like it.

It is snowing again, would be nice to get away from the snow.