The Lord's Good Plan

Some favorite verses from Isaiah 53:
¹⁰ But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him
and cause him grief.
Yet when his life is made an offering for sin,
he will have many descendants.
He will enjoy a long life,
and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.
¹¹ When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish,
he will be satisfied.
And because of his experience,
my righteous servant will make it possible
for many to be counted righteous,
for he will bear all their sins.

So thankful that God made it possible for us to be counted righteous
by coming to earth as a human to be made an offering for our sin.

A Promise Kept

"Ours is a day of passionate pursuit of self-fulfillment and the folk wisdom of 20th century America holds that fulfillment can only be found in freedom. So if some responsibility or commitment, some relationship or value shackle, you have a moral obligation to yourself to break free.

But it is a fantasy. That doorway to freedom and fulfillment may turn out to be the doorway to a stronger imprisonment. Only the one who says no to self-interest for Christ and the gospel cause can ever find the treasure of true life - freedom and fulfillment in Christ. but we don't get it."

This is from a book: "A Promise Kept" by Robert McQuilkin.

The Whisper of God Thought for the Day: "Sometimes we need to be broken down so we can be built back up again. It is during the times we feel we are being broken down that we need to trust that God will rebuild us into something more glorious than we could have ever imagined." Have a fantastic day today my friends!- Elmer Laydon

Memory and Pain

We arrived home yesterday from our family trip to Europe, minus three out of five pieces of our checked luggage. One night we stayed at a castle near Salzburg that used to be run by a Bible college. They still had quite a few books that they were selling at a reduced price. Two of them that I have started reading are "The Pursuit of God" by A. W. Tozer and "Prayers Plainly Spoken" by Stanley Hauerwas.

His prayers have a profound simplicity. He would agree with what Timothy Keller said that God understands the language of our pain. Hauerwas in the introduction to his book says, "I figured God could take it, because God did not need to be protected."

I'd like to share one of the prayers, "Memory and Pain".

Crucified Lord, your creation is full of pain. Our lives are filled with pain. We must appear happy, to be OK, to others and ourselves. After all, we know no likes to be around people in pain. So we cannot even be around ourselves. We refuse to remember because memory is just another name for pain - dull, meaningless pain that makes us numb. but you would have us be a passionate people, filled with the Spirit, possessed by memory. We fear that if we remember, the pain will return and kill our present. Give us courage, which is just another name for friends, to stare down the terror in our own and our neighbour's lives, that we may be your joyous people. Amen.

I also wanted to share some things from the message I listened to this morning.
The problem is not with the God of the universe, but with us.
If it was not for the grace and forgiveness of God, we could not survive.
He inflicts wounds that heal, wounds that are for our good and for his glory.
God can give us joy in our suffering.
This was from the series on the book of Habakkuk from www.redeemer.com.

The Whisper of God Thought for the Day: “We all start off like lumps of clay. Just like a potter, God kneads and molds us until we begin to take shape. Sometimes we lose the shape He tries to give us and He needs to start over. Nevertheless, God keeps working until we become one of His beautiful masterpieces.” Have a fantastic day today everyone! – Elmer Laydon

He Gives Himself

The following is from the daily grief/share emails that we have been getting for almost two years. After the first year was up, I signed up again. This one for Day 256 was really good. Yes, it seems like our life has been a nightmarish chaos and sometimes you wonder where the order and stability is, but I want to let God hold me and comfort me with His love, to let go of the shreds that my life is in. I repeat Psalm 23 to myself several times a day to remind me that my Shepherd wants to restore me.

Thanks to everybody for your prayers.


He Gives Himself
Day 256

Healing is not about doing better or being stronger or going to church more. It is about experiencing a love that will never let you go.

Joni Eareckson Tada says, "Your deepest need when you are hurting is to have God, like a Daddy, reach down and pick you up and hold you and reassure you that everything is going to be okay. He lets you know that your life is not in nightmarish chaos, your world is not splitting apart at the seams. Somehow and somewhere there is order and stability to it all. And that's why God never gives advice; He gives Himself."

Let go of the shreds of your life you have been hanging on to and embrace God.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling" (Psalm 68:5).

"You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more" (Psalm 10:17-18).

Heavenly Father, hold me in Your arms and comfort me. Reassure me that everything is going to be okay. Amen

^{Isaiah 49}

¹³ Shout for joy, O heavens;
rejoice, O earth;
burst into song, O mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

¹⁴ But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."

¹⁵ "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Renee, Renee, Renee

Oh, Renee, I love you so.....

It is just not right that I have survived you.

But I have survived two years now without you. Next week Friday, February 26 it will be two years.

How does one do it? This surviving? This going on without that precious daughter?
those precious sons? on top of all the other disasters and failures?

"O Lord, you alone can heal me..... you alone are my hope in the day of disaster."
Jeremiah 17: 14, 18

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

It is so hard to believe that two years have already gone by since our last Christmas with Renee. The first picture was taken at Rockefeller Center on Christmas Eve 2007. That is me with my three beautiful daughters. (Click on it for a better view.) The next picture was taken on the second floor deck of our vacation rental home in Barbados - Christmas 2oo9.

We were going to do a cruise with the family in 2007. That is something Renee really wanted to do, as well as Alayna who both had not been on a cruise. Renee was going to be in the bridal party of a very dear friend who was getting married in the DR and then join us for the cruise starting the day after the 20th of December. After the cruise to the Bahamas we were planning to stay over in Florida at what used to be our company's condo for Christmas. The cruise and flights were booked in the beginning of October. We were really looking forward to this. We wanted so much to believe that Renee was healed, but we had no guarantee that she would not relapse.

Then at the end of October all those plans crashed. Renee had relapsed. Back to MSKCC and more chemo. Renee did not get out of the hospital till just before Christmas. Renee didn't talk about it very much, because it was too hard for her to take, that she could not be at her friend's wedding and it was such a huge disappointment that we could not go on that family cruise.

Then on the 20th of December, which is Kara's birthday, we had the horribly shocking experience of finding out that the family business partnership was no more. It was absolutely excruciating.

And then Renee died...February 26...that huge tsunami blow to our family, creating this huge hole that will always be there, that we are all trying to cope with, each in our own way. Please continue to pray for our family.

I am so glad that we could all go on this trip to Barbados, not a cruise, I think that would have been too painful. Justin managed to get off from work and I think it was very important for us to spend this time together for healing.

I was feeling so overwhelmed with sorrow about doing this trip without Renee, thinking about that family vacation we had planned two years ago that never happened. Ray, Alayna and Kara still went on the cruise and then we had some dear friends who volunteered to take the extra room for which we could not get a refund. They were sent by God to be a support to Ray after that devastating blow he had received the day before the cruise. I don't know what he would have done if they had not been there.

We did have a very special Christmas with Renee in NYC that year except Justin couldn't come. That was the worst Christmas for him.

So the first night of our trip, God gave me a very special dream of Renee which helped me to not feel quite so overwhelmed with sorrow. I did find places and time to be alone to shred some tears. And on Christmas day as the choir at the church we attended, sang such a beautiful rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus accompanied by a steel orchestra, the tears started flowing as I thought of Renee worshiping in heaven, singing the Hallelujah Chorus with all the angels and all the redeemed. I can't even imagine how beautiful that must be! And the tears came again later when I read an article by Joni E. Tada about Christmas and heaven from the book, Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus, after we had eaten our family's traditional Christmas breakfast of cheese blintzes with strawberry topping.

It was important to us to do some of our traditional family Christmas things, and yes, you don't need a white Christmas, to make it feel like Christmas! All we really need for the "Christmas spirit" is to worship the One whose birthday we are celebrating.

I found the following poem and it describes my dream very well.



WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;


But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.


You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

The River of Healing

Trees on Both Sides of the River

^{1 -2} Now he brought me back to the entrance to the Temple. I saw water pouring out from under the Temple porch to the east (the Temple faced east). The water poured from the south side of the Temple, south of the altar. He then took me out through the north gate and led me around the outside to the gate complex on the east. The water was gushing from under the south front of the Temple.

^{3 -5} He walked to the east with a measuring tape and measured off fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water that was ankle-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water waist-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet. By now it was a river over my head, water to swim in, water no one could possibly walk through.

^{6 -7} He said, "Son of man, have you had a good look?"

Then he took me back to the riverbank. While sitting on the bank, I noticed a lot of trees on both sides of the river.

^{8 -10} He told me, "This water flows east, descends to the Arabah and then into the sea, the sea of stagnant waters. When it empties into those waters, the sea will become fresh. Wherever the river flows, life will flourish—great schools of fish—because the river is turning the salt sea into fresh water. Where the river flows, life abounds. Fishermen will stand shoulder to shoulder along the shore from En-gedi all the way north to En-eglaim, casting their nets. The sea will teem with fish of all kinds, like the fish of the Great Mediterranean.

¹¹ "The swamps and marshes won't become fresh. They'll stay salty.

¹² "But the river itself, on both banks, will grow fruit trees of all kinds. Their leaves won't wither, the fruit won't fail. Every month they'll bear fresh fruit because the river from the Sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will be for food and their leaves for healing."

These verses are from Ezekiel 47 (The Message). I had been ministered to in such a deep way by The River song by Brian Doerksen the last two days and now today I read this story in Ezekiel about a river that will change the stagnant water of the sea into fresh water. And wherever the river flows life will flourish, life will abound. And on its banks will grow fruit trees of all kinds. Such a beautiful picture of what Jesus can do for us!

"God's power can transform us us no matter how lifeless or corrupt we may be. Even when we feel messed up and beyond hope, his power can heal us."

Spring is Coming

I bought Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "beauty will rise" yesterday and I just finished listening to it. A few weeks ago, one night when I couldn't sleep, I listened to some of his songs on YouTube and the story of how their daughter died. All the songs in this new album came out of that experience. Heaven is the Face is a really beautiful one. They all are. At least to me.

Jesus Will Meet You There
Spring is Coming
I Will Trust You
God Is It True,
Just Have To Wait
Beauty Will Rise

I don't know which is my favorite. I would like to share some of the lyrics. Maybe next time.

Heaven is where Jesus is.

Heaven is where Jesus is.

It is the place-
where everything lasts forever,
where everything that is best remains,
where everything good is celebrated,
where light fills every space,
where love fills every heart,
where worship fills every breath,
where praise never stops,
where pain never enters,
where joys never cease.
- Roy Lessin

At the River

From Candle Light Service

A poem from the candle light service:

At the finest level of my being you're still with me.
We still look at each other at that level beyond sight.
We talk and laugh with each other in a place beyond words....
We still touch each other on a level beyond touch.
We share time together in a place where time stands still.
We are still together on a level called love.
But I cry alone for you in a place called reality.

Rejoicing Together

Well, I imagine Renee and Ramona are rejoicing together in the presence of our dear Savior and King right now. I am quite sure Renee would have been there in the welcoming committee for Ramona.
Oh, how I miss Renee's smile, laughter, and our conversations. Hope the end of world will come soon.
Our staff in Morris gave us the gift of a 100 Bibles for LifeLight in Memory of Renee. They could not have come up with a better gift.

God Works in Mud

God is a potter, He works in mud. The sovereign Creator formed and shaped humanity by unique design. Gen 2:7 in the Amplified says:

⁷Then the Lord God formed man from the ^a]">[a]dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath or spirit of life, and man became a living being.^A)">(A)

The word formed describes the work of an artist, molding and fashioning mud into a pot. And God breathed into man the breath of life, changing his form into a soul, with the capacity to serve and fellowship with the Lord.

God continued working in and with mud, by sending Jesus to this earth to die for us and regenerating those who receive him.

God is the only One who can make the dirty clean.

These thoughts are from the Our Daily Bread. They went good with the title of my blog.

I also read the following recently that goes with this theme:

^{We are a soul.}

^{We have a body.}

Give Me Jesus

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

I don't know if anybody ever reads my blogs any more, but occasionally I feel the need to post something.

Last night I went to the ladies Christmas potluck at the church we attend. Included in the program were several beautiful pieces by a soloist. I think there were more than a few tears shed in that room. It was just so beautiful! One of the pieces was "The Holy City" about the new Jerusalem. It was so fitting after the study we just finished on the Psalms of Ascent.

The last one she did was "Give Me Jesus". Last night the tears didn't come, but this morning as I was thinking about that song being sung at the Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC the tears started coming. I couldn't remember if that was the last Sunday Renee went to church with us or not, but I checked the bulletins and it was. Wow, that brought on a flood of tears!

Draw Me Nearer

During the night when I was feeling a bit chilly, I was pulling the quilt up and as I was doing so, the hymn "Draw Me Nearer" popped into my mind. "Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, to thy precious bleeding side."

All Though the Night

Lately I have been singing the hymns that we sang at the retreat we went to in September as I am using my elliptical machine. Good thing nobody is there to hear me except my Heavenly Father! Today I also added some more songs about resting in Jesus.

I am doing the Bible study on the Psalms of Ascent. Did the lessons on Psalm 131 yesterday and today. A beautiful picture is painted there for us about calming and quieting ourselves in the Lord as a weaned child in the arms of a mother. If there are things that are so impossible to understand, we must quiet ourselves and feel secure in God's love.

"I do not seek, O Lord, to penetrate thy depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them: but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand."
- Anselm, an eleventh century English monk

I must for now be content to believe, even although there are so many things I don't understand.

As I was doing my stretches after my exercising this morning some words of the following song popped into my head. "I my loving vigil keeping, all through the night." Where did that come from? It was probably on a lullaby tape that I would have played for our children when they were little.

The last four lines are especially poignant. The song also reminds me of Psalm 121 which is the memory verse assignment for the Bible study. Even although as parents we cannot actually stay awake to watch over our children all through the night, God's promise is that He will never slumber or sleep. He is our Protector by day and by night.


Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
I my loving vigil keeping
All through the night. While the moon her watch is keeping
All through the night
While the weary world is sleeping
All through the night
O`er they spirit gently stealing
Visions of delight revealing
Breathes a pure and holy feeling
All through the night. Love, to thee my thoughts are turning
All through the night
All for thee my heart is yearning,
All through the night.
Though sad fate our lives may sever
Parting will not last forever,
There`s a hope that leaves me never,
All through the night.

Lasagna

I made lasagna for supper today and was wishing I could make it for Renee. She always liked me to make lasagna when she came "home".