The Potter and the Clay

Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus

2011-12-18T08:43:00.000-08:00

This morning upon waking the a few lines of this hymn popped into my mind.
I have included those and a few more. If you want to read the whole hymn check it out in a hymn book or some other source.

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take him at this word,
Just to rest upon his promise,
....
Just to trust his cleansing blood,
....
Just from Jesus simply taking,
Life and rest and joy and peace.
....
And I know that he is with me,
Will be with me to the end.
....
O for grace to trust him more!"

It is my prayer that I will learn to trust God more. But what does it really mean? That reminds me of a blog from the Girlfriends in God that I read recently.

“Just trust me.” Those are the words we hear in movies just before something bad is about to happen. And yet, we are told to trust God. In a culture where we’re taught to take control of our own lives, trusting God has become a religious platitude rather than a life-changing attitude. We say it, but do we really mean it? And what does trusting God really look like?

That is something to ponder as we go into this Christmas season and a new year.

2011-12-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

I read this and found it so good. Just wanted to share it with anybody that might come across my blog.

December 16, 2011
Held by Hope
Gwen Smith
Today’s TruthBut Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. (Luke 2:19, NIV)
Friend to FriendHave you ever wanted to travel back in time to be an eyewitness of the celestial celebration that took place in Bethlehem the night that Jesus was born? Now, I’m a bit fussy about fashion, but I’d even consider donning shepherd garb and hanging out with a few sheep for that opportunity! To see angels fill the sky, to hear the voice of God through the cries of a baby. To catch a glimpse of the brilliant Star of David, and to satisfy my curiosity as to what exactly a host of heavenly angels sounds like.
Oh, and to talk to Mary! Wouldn’t that be amazing to hear what she was thinking as she witnessed, and took part in the greatest miracle ever known to man? This baby she gave birth to was God-in-flesh, a true bundle of love. What do you think she treasured in her heart as she took it all in? I’m struck by this thought: As she held the Hope of the world, the Hope of the world was also holding her. Ponder that!
The baby born in a barn that holy night long ago is the Hope of the world - the Grace that saves us - the Love that heals us. Jesus is Hope that changes our worthless into precious, our guilty to forgiven, our hungry into satisfied, and our empty into full. His presence is inescapable. We cannot flee from His stubborn grip. The psalmist, David said: “If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast” (Psalm 139:8-10).
The Bible tells us in the New Testament that Jesus Christ sits at the right hand of God, the Father in heaven and that He “holds us fast.” Relish that thought. The Hope that holds us is Jesus Christ. You and I are held by Hope.
In the Old Testament, God told Joshua that He would “never leave or forsake” him (Joshua 1:5). God says the same to us. He will never leave us or forsake us; no matter the circumstances, not matter the diagnoses, no matter the financial struggle. Our faithful LORD is the same yesterday, today, and forever. We can rest assured that in everything, we are held by Hope.
After His resurrection and before His ascension into heaven, Jesus said, “Surely, I am with you always, to the very end of the age" (Matthew 28:20). My girlfriend Mary Southerland often reminds people that the word “always” actually means … drum roll please … "always!" He is always with us. Always loving us. Always wanting us to find comfort, refuge, joy and satisfaction in Him.
As a Christmas approaches and New Year dawns, let’s be mindful of God’s promise that we are never alone. Just like the shepherds received the headline news of Jesus’ birth from singing angels so long ago, receive this glad tiding of great joy today: If you are in Christ, then you are held by Hope.
Let’s PrayHoly Father, You are more wonderful. Thank You for sending Jesus, my Hope, to forgive me, to love me, and to restore me to Your heart. I join the psalmist today in praying, “Sustain me according to Your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me, and I will be delivered” (Psalm 119:116-117a). I’m leaning into Your heavenly hug today.In Jesus’ name,Amen.
Now It’s Your TurnAre you held by Hope? Have you received the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ? Are you seeking God? He’s waiting with His arms open wide. CLICK HEREto find out more about how to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Ask the Saviour to Help You

2011-11-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

I had been thinking about writing some more blogs , but was putting it off. Having someone comment on my blog gave me the encouragement to continue.

There are many stories I could share, but the one I am thinking of right now came to my mind as we were discussing the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives at the care group meeting we were attending last week.

This situation took place shortly after Renee died. By shortly, I mean less than a year, maybe four months or six months. Something like that. I can't remember. It is now three years and nine months ago.

I was feeling very overwhelmed with the grief that day, which is quite normal. I was in a certain spot passing from one room into another and all of a sudden the words of a hymn came to my mind, but just as suddenly as I was crossing into the next room it was gone.

(Apparently leaving one room, to go to another does that to our brains. I recently read an article about somebody that studied this effect.)

Anyway, I was very upset that it had left my memory as soon as it had come. If this was a message from God, why did it escape me so soon. Wasn't it a message that I needed?

The very next day, at the very same spot and maybe even the very same time of day, the message came again.

It was the lines from a hymn that go like this:

"Ask the Saviour to help you,

Comfort, strengthen and keep you,

He is willing to aid you,

He will carry you through."

So many times when I feel that I can't go on, that life is too hard, I have to remind myself again that I need to keep focusing on God, and believe that he will do that if I ask, to believe that he wants to help me, carry me, comfort me, strengthen me.

Last week Friday was a hard day as we finally got the gravestone done. The awful, gut wrenching reality hit me again. That morning the Girlfriends in God devotional was based on Zeph.3:17

“The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17, NIV)

This morning in church a soloist sang a song she wrote based on that verse.

Often when God needs to reinforce a truth, it comes in packages of two or three.

The Light of the World is Jesus

2011-09-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about writing a series of blogs on how hymns have impacted me in my life. Not that I'm a good writer or anything.

I am feeling pretty down today. I miss my children in heaven so terribly much and can't wait to see them again. Oh, I hate the separation called death......hate it to much, but being angry doesn't change anything and crying gives me headaches....

The first memory I have of a song that has stayed with me all these years, was at Christmas when I was in grade one. I started my elementary education at the Blumenhof School near Steinbach, Manitoba. What I remember is that all the students filed into the church for the program carrying candles and singing, "The Light of the World is Jesus."

"Come to the Light, tis shining for thee, Sweetly the Light has dawned upon me, Once I was blind, but now I can see, the Light of the world is Jesus!"

I don't remember anything else about the program and not too much about those first few months of being in the first grade in Blumenhof. I do remember having a friend by the name of Dianna. I think we got along pretty good until she stayed over one night at our house. We slept together in my brother's bed. I don't know where he slept that night, but my friendship with Dianna was over after that night. I don't know why or what happened.

But we moved away shortly after that. We moved to a small pioneering community and finished the rest of elementary school there in Mennville. The first year it was still a one room school. I remember the grade eight boys being such extremely huge giants. They were all exceptionally tall fellows. I was paralysed with fear.

I was still not very fluent in English. We had only spoken low German at home and we were not allowed to use that language at school. The other two girls in the first grade were good friends and I was the extremely sly, new girl and I didn't feel like I fit in.

Well, I guess this doesn't really have anything to do with my theme. But to bring it back to that vein of thought, I would just like to add that in the third grade is when one of the girls in my grade came to me at recess and told me that she had asked Jesus into her heart at the meetings we were having at church that week. So after the meeting that night in my bedroom, kneeling by my bed I prayed to accept Jesus as my Saviour, Jesus the light of the world. I remember a sensation of light streaming in from the window and I felt so joyful and peaceful. I went to tell my mom what I had done.

I got my first Bible for Christmas that year and I loved reading it. I kept it close to my pillow at night, so I could read it at the first crack of dawn or when my two older sisters turned on the light for their own devotions, as we called it. There were five of us all sharing a room including two younger sisters as well! Very crowded quarters!

I remember praying for some older fellows in the community who were not Christians and some time after that at least one of them and I think eventually both of them decided to follow Jesus.

Jesus Calling

2011-08-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

Jesus Calling

I want you to experience the riches of your salvation: the Joy of being loved constantly and perfectly. You make a practice of judging yourself, based on how you look or behave or feel. When you feel discouraged, you tend to look inward so you can correct whatever is wrong.

Instead of trying to "fix" yourself, fix your gaze on Me, the lover of your soul. Rather than using your energy to judge yourself, redirect it to praising Me. Remember that I see you clothed in My rigtheousness, radiant in My perfect Love.

Ephesians 2:7-8; Hebrews 3:1; Psalm 34:5

- excerpt from the devotion for July 13th from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

this got the tears going

2011-07-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

So many questions and so many tears.

It’s Not What You Think

icca Monda Campbell

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD.’” Isaiah 55:8 (NIV)

When the phone rang in the middle of the night, I couldn’t help but wonder if one of my greatest fears had become a reality. It was the police. They were calling to tell us my 21-year-old son had fallen asleep at the wheel while driving home from a friend’s house.

Mitch was only four months old when his biological father died. Since then, I’ve have had two fears; that my son’s life would be greatly affected by the loss of his father and that he would die young, too.

When Mitch was four, one of those fears was relieved. God brought Pat into our lives, filling the role of both father and husband.

Like any good father, Pat is a wonderful man who supports his family in the good times and bad. This night things were bad. When Pat arrived at the scene, he found our son’s demolished car hugging the mangled 50 foot guardrail that had kept him from crossing the highway into oncoming traffic.

Mitch, however, didn’t suffer a single scratch, bruise, or broken bone — not one. His dad was stunned, but the police officer was astonished even more. In fact, the officer had this to say to our son.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t go home and go to bed. I’d go to the nearest church and thank God for saving your life because He obviously has a purpose for it.” It was as if God was speaking directly through the officer. Pat drove Mitch home in silence. The police officer had said it all. What more could he add?

Sunday afternoon, we drove to the junkyard to retrieve Mitch’s personal belongings from the car. The first thing I noticed about the damaged vehicle was the date, 9-9, painted in large orange numbers across the windshield of the mangled car.

That’s when it hit me. Mitch’s accident occurred on the anniversary of his biological father’s death. Stranger still, they were exactly the same age. As my eyes fixed on the date, I realized it was a message from God — an undeniable clear sign from above. Mitch was in the hands of God.

That truth pierced my mind and Satan’s lie was broken. I was no longer afraid of losing my son to death.

God has a different plan for Mitch than he had for his dad. I always knew that truth intellectually but, that day in the junkyard, it became a reality. How could I doubt God anymore when my son walked away from a near death experience on the anniversary of his father’s death? I couldn’t.

Regardless of my doubts and fears, God has a plan. Usually it doesn’t look like mine. This experience reminded me that my thoughts are not the same as God’s thoughts. He sees the bigger picture. He knows His plans. It also taught me to fall on my knees and relinquish all my fears to God while trusting in His good and perfect will for my children.

You see, the only power and control you and I have over any fearful thought is to place it in the hands of God. Doing so keeps us from being taunted day and night by “what if?” Instead, we can rest in the assurance that God’s thoughts, ways and plans are more marvelous than anything we can imagine ourselves.

Dear Lord, help me to see my circumstances through your eyes and not mine. Teach me that your ways are good and marvelous and they can be trusted. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Fleeing to Him

2011-07-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

The Our Daily Bread devotional for today was on Psalm 55:6 "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest." So many times in the last three, four years, actually almost all forty years that we have been married, as we have faced incredible amounts of pain, pressure, hardship, injustice and grief, I have wished I could sprout wings and fly away. But the writer says that Jesus offers a better way. "Rather than fleeing our struggles, he invites us to to flee to Him. He said, 'Come to Me, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me... and you will find rest for your souls.'(Matthew 11:28-29). Rather than wishing we could fly away and escape life's problems, we can bring them to Him."

I need to remind myself of this again and again. It seems like my brain got fried with all the stress and grief and I am so forgetful.

The pain and grief has been so overwhelming. The pain came at us from so many different levels. Why? Why? Why? I need to keep clinging to the promises in God's Word. Some days I feel like I will go crazy. The choice is will I let it break me or make me stronger.

Silent Grief - Child Loss Support:

When our child dies, we no longer know who we are. It's like beginning life all over again....only this time we have to change our identity in a way we never wanted to change. Finding our new self is not easy!

New Hearts and Bleeding Hearts

2011-07-06T20:24:00.001-07:00

"The entry way to your next chapter will not come to you by attempting the impossible of picking up the pieces of your shattered life. Or by looking at what was in the same glance as you look at what will be.

Please let the hope of bringing back what you once had GO...and start by thinking of a new life unlike anything you have ever had before.

Think of your self as having the ability to hold two hearts inside your body.Your new heart beats faster and with more passion, but not until you start stepping into your new self and identity.

The only way you can do that is by doing something that your old heart could have never done.

And that is how you will give birth to the new beat of your life."

Trading Fierce Independence

2011-07-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

This blog from Proverbs 31 Ministry was so good that I thought I should post it here. I hope they don't mind.

However, it seems like some problems we have to keep to ourselves and are not free to talk about. But if you feel led to do so, you can pray for our family. Praying for anybody who might read this that we will all be ready to meet the King of Kings, our beautiful Saviour, Prince of Peace and glorious Lord.

Trading Fierce Independence
Glynnis Whitwer

“Elisha said, ‘Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few.’” 2 Kings 4:3 (NIV 2011)

Problems. I prefer to keep them to myself. Being fiercely independent, my instinct is to slam the cellar door shut at the first sign of high winds. In other words, no one’s getting in until the storm is past. I’ll let God in, no problem. But you — I keep out.

Over the years, God has challenged me on this independent approach, calling it was it is: pride.

It’s not overt arrogance, but by keeping others at a distance, it implies I’m all-sufficient and don’t need your help. Plus, the insecure little girl in me worries that if you see weakness in my life, you’ll question my competency. As so, I’ve kept to myself, creating a prideful façade of control.

That didn’t work very well, however. Repeatedly, God has called me to a place of greater interdependence with others. He’s worked miracles in my life when I’ve humbly asked for prayer. He’s broken down walls of distance when I’ve allowed people to see the real me. I’ve seen His hand move at the request of my godly friends.

It’s now obvious to me God designed us to work together. We are pieces of the same puzzle, and life makes more sense when we are connected.

There’s a story in the Old Testament that shows God’s plan for interdependence. It’s found in the book of 2 Kings and concerns a widow who had a big problem. She needed resources, but the coin jar was empty. Her husband died, leaving her with no means of support, and a pile of debts she couldn’t pay. Creditors demanded restitution. Since there was no money, they planned to take her children as slaves.

Desperate, she sought help from Elisha, a man known to be set apart for God. Elisha asked her to do something unusual: go to all her neighbors and request empty jars … lots of them. Then, she was to return home, take what little oil she had left and pour it into the jars.

The widow did as Elisha instructed. When she returned home, she started pouring. As each jar filled, her sons brought her another. They filled every borrowed jar with oil. Elisha then told her to sell the oil, pay the creditors and live off the rest. She did.

What I love about this story is that the quantity of the miracle oil was in direct proportion to the number of neighbors she asked for help. If she had asked five neighbors, that’s how much oil she would have had. Ten neighbors meant ten jars. And so on. The more people the widow asked for help, the greater God’s provision.

There’s another part of the story not told by the Bible passage, but I can’t help but wonder if it happened. At some point, the widow would have returned the borrowed jars. When she did, I imagine she would have told each neighbor what God had done for her, and how that neighbor played a part in the miracle. What a testimony that must have been!

God could have worked a miracle in any way, but He chose to involve each member of that little neighborhood. I imagine they were never the same after being part of something so amazing.

This story speaks clearly to me. God often plans to meet my needs through others. Yet if I keep my problems to myself, I might hinder His plan to bless my friends and broadcast His faithfulness. I’m learning to deny the lies of a prideful spirit in exchange for a humble plea for help. I’m trading my fierce independence for God’s plan of community.

Dear Lord, forgive me for the times I’ve kept to myself, believing I have everything necessary to solve my problems. In doing so, I may have missed Your plan for meeting my needs through others. Help me to identify pride and submit it to You. Help me to have a humble and teachable spirit. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

In God's Hands

2011-06-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

Today is in God's hands and so are you.

His hands are strong and will uphold you;
His hands are great and will enfold you;
His hands are gentle and will embrace you;
His hands are protective and will cover you;
His hands are reassuring and will quiet you;
His hands are powerful and will defend you;
His hands are parental and will train you;
His hands are masterful and will conform you;
His hands are compassionate and will care for you;
His hands are healing and will renew you;
His hands are calming and will comfort you;
His hands are giving and will bless you.

The hands that hold you will never let you down.

-Roy Lessin, DaySpring co-founder and writer

2011-05-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

I came across this really good piece today. It got me thinking, not that I don't do that all the time.

Being forced to go closer to death

than I ever wanted to for the third time, fourth time, fifth time.

My first born son in 1977 at age three, an older sister died by suicide in 1978 at age 29,

second son in 1979 at age 8 months, oldest daughter in 2008 at age 23. My dad at age 70.

Too much death, but we will all die. The death rate remains the same, no matter at what age, but

we were not meant to die. Death came as the result of sin. God has a plan whereby we can be assured that we will live with him, to "dwell in the house of the Lord forever".

Heavy
That time I thought I could not go any closer to grief without dying
I went closer, and I did not die. Surely God had His hand in this,
as well as friends. Still, I was bent, and my laughter,
as the poet said, was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel(brave even among lions),
"It's not the weight you carry but how you carry it -
books, bricks, grief - it's all in the way you embrace it,
balance it, carry it when you cannot, and would not,
put it down."
So I went practicing. Have you noticed? Have you heard
the laughter that comes, now and again, out of my
startled mouth? How I linger to admire, admire,
admire the things of this world that are kind, and maybe
also troubled - roses in the wind,the sea geese on the
steep waves, a love to which there is no reply?

- by Mary Oliver

Our Greatest Need

2010-12-14T02:03:00.000-08:00

If our greatest need had been information,
God would have sent us an educator.

If our greatest need had been technology,
God would have sent us a scientist.

If our greatest need had been money,
God would have sent us an economist.

If our greatest need had been pleasure,
God would have sent us an entertainer.

But our greatest need was forgiveness,
so God sent us a Saviour.

-Roy Lessin

Not Finished Yet

2010-08-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

We need a new button, t-shirt, bumper sticker, or cap that reads...NFY! It stands for Not Finished Yet!

Regardless of the label people put on you (senior, baby-boomer, retired person), regardless of the number of birthdays you've celebrated, you are still here. And as long as you are here, you are not there, and as long as you are not there, it means God still has a purpose for you here.

When Jesus was on the cross, the last thing He said was, "It is finished." After He made that statement He died. When is God's purpose for you on this earth finished? It is finished when you die... until then, you are not finished yet! NFY!

Does the thought of getting older discourage you or make you fearful? Consider these words the Lord spoke to Isaiah: I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. Isaiah 46:4 NLT

By Roy Lessin, DaySpring co-founder and writer.

Just Think

2010-08-29T11:55:00.001-07:00

Just Think,
You’re not here by chance,
but by God’s choosing.
His hand formed you
and made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else
– you are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that His grace can’t give you.
He has allowed you to be here at this time in history
to fulfill His special purpose for this generation.

By Roy Lessin

Courage

2010-08-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

I eagerly expect and hope
that I will in no way be ashamed,
but will have sufficient courage
so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body,
whether by life or by death.
Philippians 1:20

Amazing God

Indescribable...

Amazing God...

All Powerful...

The awesome God who created the universe
also cares about every detail of your life!

God's love is meteoric, His loyalty astronomic.
Psalm 36:5 The Message

2010-08-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighbourhood
street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for
kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he
thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared.
Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed
on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick
had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid
and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all
about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?
That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost
a lot of money. Why did you do it?'

The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister., please, I'm sorry but
I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because
no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off
his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's
my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his
wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please
help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy
for me.'

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly
swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy
back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and
dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him
everything was going to be okay.

'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the
stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his
wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was
very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented
side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:

'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at
you to get your attention!' God whispers in our souls and speaks to
our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to
throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or
not.

_Thought for the Day:_

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning.
Face it, friend – He’s crazy about you!

Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

The Message of the Rooster

2010-08-02T08:21:00.001-07:00

The rooster is dependable.
He is persistent.
He is not protesting the fact
that he has to do the same thing every day
of his life.
He has a good message to proclaim,
"A new day has dawned,
and with it come opportunities and
responsibilities."

Money Buys a House

2010-08-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Money buys clothes, but not character,
Money buys a house, but not a home,
Money buys medicine, but not health and life.
Money buys company, but not friends,
Money buys beauty aids, but not beauty,
Money buys entertainment, but not happiness.
Money buys respect, but not an entrance to heaven.

2010-07-02T12:43:00.000-07:00

Is God Enough?

Melissa Taylor

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

Is God enough? It's a question that my life circumstances force me to keep going back to. What I've concluded is that not only is God enough, but He has to be enough. I've also concluded that it takes effort on my part to keep myself aware of this.

As a young child, I didn't realize my need for God, but I did realize that I had a need that was not fulfilled. I was sexually abused when I was seven years old. My dad left our family when I was eleven. Both circumstances left me devastated, and I didn't understand how God could bring healing at that time. I spent many years trying to heal myself and make myself feel better. Nothing worked.

As I grew older and began to move from being a Christian who simply believed to a Christian who was actively involved with Jesus, my life began to change. Because I was having conversations with Him directly and reading His Word consistently, my life was challenged. I learned that when the hard knocks came, and they would, I needed to ask myself one question in order to move on. "Is God enough?"

When a friend betrays me, is God enough? When I need to forgive someone for something that seems unforgivable, is God enough?

When my child is having issues that are out of my control, is God enough? When my marriage is on the brink of destruction, is God enough?

When I am not forgiven by another person, is God enough?

When my mother is dying of cancer, is God enough?

When others don't recognize my value, is God enough?

When I am struggling professionally, is God enough?

When someone I love uses words to hurt me, is God enough?

When I am in debt and don't know how I'll pay my bills, is God enough?

When I am reminded of something I did in the past, is God enough?

When the world is in turmoil, is God enough?

When my health is declining, is God enough?

When I am let down and disappointed in my life, is God enough?

Just last night, I sat in my room crying. Here I was again asking, "Is God enough?" I opened a box full of personalized Bible verses that someone very special gave to me. I began reading them out loud to myself. Verse by verse, I began combating the thoughts that were paralyzing me with self doubt. What I discovered is the conclusion I always come to when I ask myself "Is God enough?" Yes He is.

I could lose everything in life. There's not anything I have here on earth that is guaranteed. If I lost it all though, I'd be okay because no one can take away my identity in Christ. Whether I live in a mansion on a hill or a shack in the swamp, I have my Jesus. Whether the world is for me or against me, I have my Jesus. When I am knocked down, I get on my knees and there I find my Jesus. His Word is planted deep in my heart and I believe it all.

When life becomes more than you think you can handle, don't quit. And certainly don't believe the lies you may be entertaining in your head. Instead, ask yourself, "Is God enough for me?" The answer could change everything.

Dear Lord, help me to realize that the secret to being content in all circumstances is You. Help me to be aware of Your presence in my life at all times. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

2010-07-01T05:32:00.000-07:00

Jesus Is the Treasure
Day 362

"When it comes to heaven itself," says Dr. Richard Bewes, "all eyes will be on the throne."

All the benefits of heaven that you have read about so far are awesome, but they pale in insignificance to the real treasure in heaven, which is Jesus Christ himself.

Joni Eareckson Tada says, "So many people think of heaven as a place, but really it's a Person. Jesus, who is at the very center of heaven, is what makes it exciting to me. We have something like a homing detector in our hearts, and it's just not ringing for earth. It's ringing for Him in whom our deepest longings will be answered.

"So heaven is not just a place; it is a Person, that Individual for whom we were made. What makes heaven exciting to me is being with the Lord Jesus where I will be perfectly and utterly at home."

You will marvel at Jesus someday, and His very name will cause you to bow down on your knees in reverence and honor.

"On the day he comes to be glorified in his holy people and to be marveled at among all those who have believed. This includes you, because you believed our testimony to you" (2 Thessalonians 1:10).

"At the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth" (Philippians 2:10).

Teach me to love You, Lord. Show me how to place You at the forefront of my life and my thoughts so that I may experience a touch of heaven. Amen

The Lord's Good Plan

2010-06-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

Some favorite verses from Isaiah 53:
¹⁰ But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him
and cause him grief.
Yet when his life is made an offering for sin,
he will have many descendants.
He will enjoy a long life,
and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands.
¹¹ When he sees all that is accomplished by his anguish,
he will be satisfied.
And because of his experience,
my righteous servant will make it possible
for many to be counted righteous,
for he will bear all their sins.

So thankful that God made it possible for us to be counted righteous
by coming to earth as a human to be made an offering for our sin.

A Promise Kept

2010-06-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

"Ours is a day of passionate pursuit of self-fulfillment and the folk wisdom of 20th century America holds that fulfillment can only be found in freedom. So if some responsibility or commitment, some relationship or value shackle, you have a moral obligation to yourself to break free.

But it is a fantasy. That doorway to freedom and fulfillment may turn out to be the doorway to a stronger imprisonment. Only the one who says no to self-interest for Christ and the gospel cause can ever find the treasure of true life - freedom and fulfillment in Christ. but we don't get it."

This is from a book: "A Promise Kept" by Robert McQuilkin.

2010-06-22T05:40:00.000-07:00

The Whisper of God Thought for the Day: "Sometimes we need to be broken down so we can be built back up again. It is during the times we feel we are being broken down that we need to trust that God will rebuild us into something more glorious than we could have ever imagined." Have a fantastic day today my friends!- Elmer Laydon

Memory and Pain

2010-05-22T05:12:00.000-07:00

We arrived home yesterday from our family trip to Europe, minus three out of five pieces of our checked luggage. One night we stayed at a castle near Salzburg that used to be run by a Bible college. They still had quite a few books that they were selling at a reduced price. Two of them that I have started reading are "The Pursuit of God" by A. W. Tozer and "Prayers Plainly Spoken" by Stanley Hauerwas.

His prayers have a profound simplicity. He would agree with what Timothy Keller said that God understands the language of our pain. Hauerwas in the introduction to his book says, "I figured God could take it, because God did not need to be protected."

I'd like to share one of the prayers, "Memory and Pain".

Crucified Lord, your creation is full of pain. Our lives are filled with pain. We must appear happy, to be OK, to others and ourselves. After all, we know no likes to be around people in pain. So we cannot even be around ourselves. We refuse to remember because memory is just another name for pain - dull, meaningless pain that makes us numb. but you would have us be a passionate people, filled with the Spirit, possessed by memory. We fear that if we remember, the pain will return and kill our present. Give us courage, which is just another name for friends, to stare down the terror in our own and our neighbour's lives, that we may be your joyous people. Amen.

I also wanted to share some things from the message I listened to this morning.
The problem is not with the God of the universe, but with us.
If it was not for the grace and forgiveness of God, we could not survive.
He inflicts wounds that heal, wounds that are for our good and for his glory.
God can give us joy in our suffering.
This was from the series on the book of Habakkuk from www.redeemer.com.

2010-05-08T02:40:00.001-07:00

The Whisper of God Thought for the Day: “We all start off like lumps of clay. Just like a potter, God kneads and molds us until we begin to take shape. Sometimes we lose the shape He tries to give us and He needs to start over. Nevertheless, God keeps working until we become one of His beautiful masterpieces.” Have a fantastic day today everyone! – Elmer Laydon

He Gives Himself

2010-03-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

The following is from the daily grief/share emails that we have been getting for almost two years. After the first year was up, I signed up again. This one for Day 256 was really good. Yes, it seems like our life has been a nightmarish chaos and sometimes you wonder where the order and stability is, but I want to let God hold me and comfort me with His love, to let go of the shreds that my life is in. I repeat Psalm 23 to myself several times a day to remind me that my Shepherd wants to restore me.

Thanks to everybody for your prayers.

He Gives Himself
Day 256

Healing is not about doing better or being stronger or going to church more. It is about experiencing a love that will never let you go.

Joni Eareckson Tada says, "Your deepest need when you are hurting is to have God, like a Daddy, reach down and pick you up and hold you and reassure you that everything is going to be okay. He lets you know that your life is not in nightmarish chaos, your world is not splitting apart at the seams. Somehow and somewhere there is order and stability to it all. And that's why God never gives advice; He gives Himself."

Let go of the shreds of your life you have been hanging on to and embrace God.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling" (Psalm 68:5).

"You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more" (Psalm 10:17-18).

Heavenly Father, hold me in Your arms and comfort me. Reassure me that everything is going to be okay. Amen

2010-03-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

^{Isaiah 49}

¹³ Shout for joy, O heavens;
rejoice, O earth;
burst into song, O mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

¹⁴ But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."

¹⁵ "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Renee, Renee, Renee

2010-02-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

Oh, Renee, I love you so.....

It is just not right that I have survived you.

But I have survived two years now without you. Next week Friday, February 26 it will be two years.

How does one do it? This surviving? This going on without that precious daughter?
those precious sons? on top of all the other disasters and failures?

"O Lord, you alone can heal me..... you alone are my hope in the day of disaster."
Jeremiah 17: 14, 18

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

2009-12-28T03:57:00.000-08:00

It is so hard to believe that two years have already gone by since our last Christmas with Renee. The first picture was taken at Rockefeller Center on Christmas Eve 2007. That is me with my three beautiful daughters. (Click on it for a better view.) The next picture was taken on the second floor deck of our vacation rental home in Barbados - Christmas 2oo9.

We were going to do a cruise with the family in 2007. That is something Renee really wanted to do, as well as Alayna who both had not been on a cruise. Renee was going to be in the bridal party of a very dear friend who was getting married in the DR and then join us for the cruise starting the day after the 20th of December. After the cruise to the Bahamas we were planning to stay over in Florida at what used to be our company's condo for Christmas. The cruise and flights were booked in the beginning of October. We were really looking forward to this. We wanted so much to believe that Renee was healed, but we had no guarantee that she would not relapse.

Then at the end of October all those plans crashed. Renee had relapsed. Back to MSKCC and more chemo. Renee did not get out of the hospital till just before Christmas. Renee didn't talk about it very much, because it was too hard for her to take, that she could not be at her friend's wedding and it was such a huge disappointment that we could not go on that family cruise.

Then on the 20th of December, which is Kara's birthday, we had the horribly shocking experience of finding out that the family business partnership was no more. It was absolutely excruciating.

And then Renee died...February 26...that huge tsunami blow to our family, creating this huge hole that will always be there, that we are all trying to cope with, each in our own way. Please continue to pray for our family.

I am so glad that we could all go on this trip to Barbados, not a cruise, I think that would have been too painful. Justin managed to get off from work and I think it was very important for us to spend this time together for healing.

I was feeling so overwhelmed with sorrow about doing this trip without Renee, thinking about that family vacation we had planned two years ago that never happened. Ray, Alayna and Kara still went on the cruise and then we had some dear friends who volunteered to take the extra room for which we could not get a refund. They were sent by God to be a support to Ray after that devastating blow he had received the day before the cruise. I don't know what he would have done if they had not been there.

We did have a very special Christmas with Renee in NYC that year except Justin couldn't come. That was the worst Christmas for him.

So the first night of our trip, God gave me a very special dream of Renee which helped me to not feel quite so overwhelmed with sorrow. I did find places and time to be alone to shred some tears. And on Christmas day as the choir at the church we attended, sang such a beautiful rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus accompanied by a steel orchestra, the tears started flowing as I thought of Renee worshiping in heaven, singing the Hallelujah Chorus with all the angels and all the redeemed. I can't even imagine how beautiful that must be! And the tears came again later when I read an article by Joni E. Tada about Christmas and heaven from the book, Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus, after we had eaten our family's traditional Christmas breakfast of cheese blintzes with strawberry topping.

It was important to us to do some of our traditional family Christmas things, and yes, you don't need a white Christmas, to make it feel like Christmas! All we really need for the "Christmas spirit" is to worship the One whose birthday we are celebrating.

I found the following poem and it describes my dream very well.

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

The River of Healing

2009-12-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

Trees on Both Sides of the River

^{1 -2} Now he brought me back to the entrance to the Temple. I saw water pouring out from under the Temple porch to the east (the Temple faced east). The water poured from the south side of the Temple, south of the altar. He then took me out through the north gate and led me around the outside to the gate complex on the east. The water was gushing from under the south front of the Temple.

^{3 -5} He walked to the east with a measuring tape and measured off fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water that was ankle-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet, leading me through water waist-deep. He measured off another fifteen hundred feet. By now it was a river over my head, water to swim in, water no one could possibly walk through.

^{6 -7} He said, "Son of man, have you had a good look?"

Then he took me back to the riverbank. While sitting on the bank, I noticed a lot of trees on both sides of the river.

^{8 -10} He told me, "This water flows east, descends to the Arabah and then into the sea, the sea of stagnant waters. When it empties into those waters, the sea will become fresh. Wherever the river flows, life will flourish—great schools of fish—because the river is turning the salt sea into fresh water. Where the river flows, life abounds. Fishermen will stand shoulder to shoulder along the shore from En-gedi all the way north to En-eglaim, casting their nets. The sea will teem with fish of all kinds, like the fish of the Great Mediterranean.

¹¹ "The swamps and marshes won't become fresh. They'll stay salty.

¹² "But the river itself, on both banks, will grow fruit trees of all kinds. Their leaves won't wither, the fruit won't fail. Every month they'll bear fresh fruit because the river from the Sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will be for food and their leaves for healing."

These verses are from Ezekiel 47 (The Message). I had been ministered to in such a deep way by The River song by Brian Doerksen the last two days and now today I read this story in Ezekiel about a river that will change the stagnant water of the sea into fresh water. And wherever the river flows life will flourish, life will abound. And on its banks will grow fruit trees of all kinds. Such a beautiful picture of what Jesus can do for us!

"God's power can transform us us no matter how lifeless or corrupt we may be. Even when we feel messed up and beyond hope, his power can heal us."

Spring is Coming

2009-12-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

I bought Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "beauty will rise" yesterday and I just finished listening to it. A few weeks ago, one night when I couldn't sleep, I listened to some of his songs on YouTube and the story of how their daughter died. All the songs in this new album came out of that experience. Heaven is the Face is a really beautiful one. They all are. At least to me.

Jesus Will Meet You There
Spring is Coming
I Will Trust You
God Is It True,
Just Have To Wait
Beauty Will Rise

I don't know which is my favorite. I would like to share some of the lyrics. Maybe next time.

Heaven is where Jesus is.

2009-12-02T14:49:00.001-08:00

Heaven is where Jesus is.

It is the place-
where everything lasts forever,
where everything that is best remains,
where everything good is celebrated,
where light fills every space,
where love fills every heart,
where worship fills every breath,
where praise never stops,
where pain never enters,
where joys never cease.
- Roy Lessin

At the River

2009-12-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

From Candle Light Service

2009-12-01T08:08:00.001-08:00

A poem from the candle light service:

At the finest level of my being you're still with me.
We still look at each other at that level beyond sight.
We talk and laugh with each other in a place beyond words....
We still touch each other on a level beyond touch.
We share time together in a place where time stands still.
We are still together on a level called love.
But I cry alone for you in a place called reality.

Rejoicing Together

2009-11-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I imagine Renee and Ramona are rejoicing together in the presence of our dear Savior and King right now. I am quite sure Renee would have been there in the welcoming committee for Ramona.
Oh, how I miss Renee's smile, laughter, and our conversations. Hope the end of world will come soon.
Our staff in Morris gave us the gift of a 100 Bibles for LifeLight in Memory of Renee. They could not have come up with a better gift.

God Works in Mud

2009-11-25T06:50:00.000-08:00

God is a potter, He works in mud. The sovereign Creator formed and shaped humanity by unique design. Gen 2:7 in the Amplified says:

⁷Then the Lord God formed man from the ^a]">[a]dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath or spirit of life, and man became a living being.^A)">(A)

The word formed describes the work of an artist, molding and fashioning mud into a pot. And God breathed into man the breath of life, changing his form into a soul, with the capacity to serve and fellowship with the Lord.

God continued working in and with mud, by sending Jesus to this earth to die for us and regenerating those who receive him.

God is the only One who can make the dirty clean.

These thoughts are from the Our Daily Bread. They went good with the title of my blog.

I also read the following recently that goes with this theme:

^{We are a soul.}

^{We have a body.}

Give Me Jesus

2009-11-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

I don't know if anybody ever reads my blogs any more, but occasionally I feel the need to post something.

Last night I went to the ladies Christmas potluck at the church we attend. Included in the program were several beautiful pieces by a soloist. I think there were more than a few tears shed in that room. It was just so beautiful! One of the pieces was "The Holy City" about the new Jerusalem. It was so fitting after the study we just finished on the Psalms of Ascent.

The last one she did was "Give Me Jesus". Last night the tears didn't come, but this morning as I was thinking about that song being sung at the Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC the tears started coming. I couldn't remember if that was the last Sunday Renee went to church with us or not, but I checked the bulletins and it was. Wow, that brought on a flood of tears!

Draw Me Nearer

2009-11-07T06:42:00.000-08:00

During the night when I was feeling a bit chilly, I was pulling the quilt up and as I was doing so, the hymn "Draw Me Nearer" popped into my mind. "Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord, to thy precious bleeding side."

All Though the Night

2009-11-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been singing the hymns that we sang at the retreat we went to in September as I am using my elliptical machine. Good thing nobody is there to hear me except my Heavenly Father! Today I also added some more songs about resting in Jesus.

I am doing the Bible study on the Psalms of Ascent. Did the lessons on Psalm 131 yesterday and today. A beautiful picture is painted there for us about calming and quieting ourselves in the Lord as a weaned child in the arms of a mother. If there are things that are so impossible to understand, we must quiet ourselves and feel secure in God's love.

"I do not seek, O Lord, to penetrate thy depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them: but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand."
- Anselm, an eleventh century English monk

I must for now be content to believe, even although there are so many things I don't understand.

As I was doing my stretches after my exercising this morning some words of the following song popped into my head. "I my loving vigil keeping, all through the night." Where did that come from? It was probably on a lullaby tape that I would have played for our children when they were little.

The last four lines are especially poignant. The song also reminds me of Psalm 121 which is the memory verse assignment for the Bible study. Even although as parents we cannot actually stay awake to watch over our children all through the night, God's promise is that He will never slumber or sleep. He is our Protector by day and by night.

Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
I my loving vigil keeping
All through the night. While the moon her watch is keeping
All through the night
While the weary world is sleeping
All through the night
O`er they spirit gently stealing
Visions of delight revealing
Breathes a pure and holy feeling
All through the night. Love, to thee my thoughts are turning
All through the night
All for thee my heart is yearning,
All through the night.
Though sad fate our lives may sever
Parting will not last forever,
There`s a hope that leaves me never,
All through the night.

Lasagna

2009-10-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

I made lasagna for supper today and was wishing I could make it for Renee. She always liked me to make lasagna when she came "home".

Parched Land

2009-10-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

My heart longs for a place

I've never seen

I know only the promises

You've whispered to me

Of a milk and honey land

And a well of living water

Don't lead me to another oasis

I'm tired of going in circles

This thirsty ground is crying out

these cracked pieces want

To be made whole

Come flood this desert soul

This is part of a poem Renee wrote in Jan. '05.

Yesterday was two years since the day Renee found out that she had relapsed. Oh, that was such a dark day for her. When we went to Vancouver a month ago, I had such a powerful flashback as we approached the baggage area at the airport, of meeting Renee there two years ago today after receiving that horrible phone call.

I am trying to keep my focus on the One who is the Living Water, to bring refreshment to my weary soul. The Lord is my Shepherd. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you that you were there for Renee as she walked though this dark valley.

And thank you for the hope of seeing you face to face, our precious Savior. I must always desire your presence in my life more that anything.

Engraved in the Palm of His Hands

2009-10-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

One of the devotionals I read this morning was on the verse "See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands." Isaiah 49:16 The writer says,"Why would God engrave your image onto the palms of his hands? Because ... he thinks about you all the time. He watches over you." He sees it all ... our cares and concerns, our weaknesses and wants, our tendencies and traumas ... and he loves us as we are. What matters is that he has set his love on us and we are never off his mind, out of his sight, or away from his loving care.

A month ago when we were in Vancouver, I was feeling so overwhelmed with sadness. I was missing Renee so much. As I was looking at the mountains, I was reminded of Psalm 121 and that my help comes from the Lord. I know it is okay to feel sad. It is not healthy to keep pushing those feelings away. But we need to be reminded again and again where to go for strength and comfort to go on.

2009-10-20T12:05:00.001-07:00

Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. -Leonard Cohen

Living in the Land of the Shadow

2009-10-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

None of us will come out of here alive unless Christ will return before our time comes to leave this earth. We are pilgrims on a journey to a better land. We can sing and shout for joy knowing there is a much, much better place being prepared for those that love the Lord. Sometimes even although our hearts are heavy with grief and tears are streaming down our faces or just suppressed beneath the surface we can still find that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

Happy Birthday, Justin!

2009-08-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

We had a nice lunch at a restaurant with a patio for Justin's birthday. It was a beautiful summer day! We sat at a table for six, so there was an empty chair. There is this big hole in our family, a Renee-shaped hole. Her absence has left a very big aching empty void.

Kara had baked a three layer Mad King Ludwig's chocolate cake!

Happy Birthday, Jason

2009-08-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

Oh, I am so waiting and longing to see you again. Wishing you a happy birthday! I don't know if you celebrate birthdays in heaven, but I love you and hope you have a good "day" with Renee and Kris.

"When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be."

I am praying that we will all be able to persevere and continue to live in fellowship with Christ and not give up the good fight, to win the battle against this world, so that we can all be together in heaven some day.

Happy Birthday, Kris

2009-06-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

It is 35 years ago today that you were born -our first born son. I still miss you so much, wondering what it would be like if you had not died. A mother never gets "over" the loss of a child. You suffered so much pain in your short life. As a result of all your suffering you never learned to talk. Some day, I will have a conversation with you.

"My dear ones in glory, how they beckon me to come." I want to remain faithful and hang on to my faith and my Savior. "It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus, life's trials will seem so small, when we see Christ, one glimpse of his dear face, all sorrow will erase. So bravely run the race till we see Christ."

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful "day" in heaven with Jesus, and Renee and Jason and all the other saints who have gone on to their reward.

Love you Kris, wish I could send you some big hugs and lots of kisses, your mama.

More Than We Can Handle

2009-05-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

We have all heard it many times. People will say that God will not give us more than we can handle. That is simply not true. I probably wrote about this in a previous blog, but I was reminded of this truth again today. We have certainly had more than we could handle. Like it says in 2 Cor. 1:8-9, we thought we would never live through it. God wants to teach us to rely on him, but apparently I am a very slow learner.

Like the author of The One year Book of Hope says: "The ethos of our world is to bury our natural sense of inadequacy and inability in an avalanche of pep talks, telling ourselves, I can do it. I just need to believe in myself. .... It helps to stop kidding ourselves. Rather than seeking to become more self-confidant, we need to strive to become more God-reliant, and if we do that, we have to root out our desire to appear altogether and in control. This desire has deep roots."

I need to keep praying that I will become more God-dependent.

The picture I posted reminded me of the song,"Consider the lilies, they toil not nor spin, they bask in God's sunshine and drink in God's rain, if God cares for them in such marvelous ways, how much more, how much more will he care for me and supply every need every day." God had reminded me of that song several times as we were going through Renee's last stretch of treatments, those four months in NYC. We had so many people praying for us during that time as a result of our weekly updates and I really felt the power of those prayers.

Now we are trying to slug our way through this path of grief and all the other trauma. Last Saturday all of sudden the words of the hymn came to my mind, "Ask the Savior to help you, strengthen, comfort and keep you, He is willing to aid you, He will carry you through." But the very next minute I couldn't remember what it was. So God had to give them to me again the next day at exactly the same spot and maybe almost the same time. Wow! Why do I always try so hard to do it in my own strength? Why have I not learned my lesson yet?

Thankful for all Six

2009-05-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful for all six of my children as I think of Mother's Day coming up. Posted pictures of the three that are with Jesus in the previous post. Here is Justin at his favorite Japanese restaurant and Kara with Alayna.

I am also so grateful for my mother and my mother-in-law.

Mother's Day

2009-05-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY - FROM HEAVEN From Our Precious Children - To The World
Hey World

When the rest of you are celebrating Mother's Day - with all your gifts and cards,
I'm wondering if you would please remember, My mom - because it's still so hard.
It may seem to you that my mom's had plenty of time -
to do her grieving and to adjust and to get me off her mind.
But what you may not understand is that for her it's never over,
And with Mother's Day approaching it makes things that much harder.

From Us - To Our Precious Children
Oh, my precious child, how I miss you, how my heart still breaks into pieces
When I think of all my Mother's days now are spent here without you.
How I wish you were here with me so I can feel your sweet, kind touch,
And share my Mother's Day with you, for I love you and miss you so much.

From Our Precious Children - To Us
Oh, Momma, don't you know by now, I know just how you feel,
But know for sure with in your soul, our love is still very real.
Mom, I would like to say some things and make it crystal clear,
That although I'm not with you in bodily form, I'm really very near.

So happy Mother's day, from heaven Momma, I just wanted you to know,
You are still the best mother in the whole wide world, and I love you so.
Now listen very closely to me, Mom - It's important that you show,
To those you come in contact with, so that the world will know.
That when I left the world below and came to heaven above,
I brought with me all our good memories and your sweet motherly love.

So, when the rest of the world is celebrating Mother's Day, with all their children who are still there,
You and I can still hold each other close in the "secret world" we share.
For I live on in every memory that resides within your heart,
and even death cannot separate us or cause our love to part.
So, my gift to you this Mother's Day is one that cannot be seen,
but it comes wrapped with tissues of love, and sent on angel's wings.
I am sending hugs and kisses and words of love that say -
"To the Best mother in the whole wide world,
~"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY"~

In honor of all bereaved mothers ~ in memory of all our children ~
and in loving memory of my three children in heaven - Kris (6/2/74-10/1/77)
Jason (8/7/78-4/16/79) and Renee (3/18/84-2/26/07)

Failure and Success

2009-05-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

"Both the clashing cymbals of our failures and the loud trumpeting of our successes can drown out God's still small voice. It's time for us to quiet our hearts to listen for Him as we meditate on his Word."

Hope

2009-04-29T05:57:00.000-07:00

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow.
- Orison Swett Marden

God's Grace

2009-04-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

Some quotes from Our Daily Bread: "No matter how much we have personally lost because of sin, we have gained far more through the resurrection victory of Christ." "More gained than lost? Can it be true? Each day we experience the damage caused by sin entering our world. Greed, injustice, and cruelty all trace their origins back to Adam and Eve's decision to follow their own path rather than God's." And we can add to that disease and death. "But Jesus overpowered sin through the cross and conquered death through His resurrection. In every case, grace overpowers the consequences of sin."

Is that Good News or what?

And a quote from Henri Nouwen's book - The Road to Daybreak reminding us of God's perspective: "I am your God...I see all your actions. And I love you because you are beautiful, made in my image....Do not judge yourself. Do not condemn yourself. Do not reject yourself....Come. come, let me wipe your tears, and let my mouth say....I love you, I love you, I love you."

The Heart is Deceitful

2009-04-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

"The heart is deceitful and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9 Do we really believe this or do we think that with a little bit of tweaking we can clean up our act and make ourselves presentable to God? Do we just have a little seedy side that needs a bit of help? I have been thinking about this a lot this week. It is so easy to tell little lies out of fear, trying to protect ourselves and maybe make ourselves look a bit better. Or is our only hope to come before God to be justified by faith in the work of the cross?

I have been reading a book by Marilyn Meberg: "The Zippered Heart- Healing for the Secrets We Hide Inside."

May we all have a blessed Easter, as we think about what it means to be justified.

What Have I Learned?

2009-03-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

That was the question asked in the grief/share email today. Well, one thing I have learned is that people actually do care, even if they don't understand or don't say anything because they don't know what to say. That has made it a bit easier. At least I haven't had to go through that whole battle of thinking that nobody cares.

I did go through a period of time where I felt very lonely and felt like withdrawing. It did take a lot of courage some days just to get up and face the day. I had to battle with the question of do I have what it takes to make it through another day. Do I even want to? Then came the realization that every day I am one day closer to eternity and one day closer to being with the loved ones that are waiting in heaven for me.

Another thing I am learning is that I must desire God more than anything else. Jeremiah 7 -11 was part of my Bible reading for today. "Lord, there is no one like you!"

Happy Birthday, Renee

2009-03-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

Renee, it is twenty five years ago today that you were born. And it is already your second birthday in heaven with Jesus. You always loved celebrating your birthdays so much. You would sometimes start planning your birthday parties before Christmas and I had to slow you down a bit.

I'm so thankful for all the good memories we have, of your joy and love of life and people and your love for our heavenly Father. I don't need to say this, because you already know it, but I'm missing you so terribly much. However, I'm trying to keep my focus on our precious Savior and not so much on my pain.

Renee, I'm sure you are having a very happy, happy day in that place where there is no more pain.

Angels

2009-03-10T11:19:00.001-07:00

Well, we survived the first anniversary of Renee's death. Oh, I hate that word, but that is just how it is. However, the moment Renee took her last breath on this earth, she was more alive than ever, praising God with all her might together with the angels.

The topic for this week from "The One Year Book of Hope" is angels. "Angels show us how to worship in fear and freedom, in faithfulness and fullness. We might think that angels would grow comfortably familiar with being in the presence of God, but they are eternally in awe of him, filled with holy fear. However, they are not frozen with fear. ... They shout and sing and fly. This freedom is what we, too, were made for! Angels show us what wholehearted, all-the-time worship looks like - gazing at Jesus on the throne, responding to him with reverent fear, enjoying him with great freedom, obeying him with genuine joy, and inviting the whole world to gaze on his beauty. Our lesson from the angels begins when we recognize the holiness of God."

There is more, but maybe that is enough for today. The above picture is from when we were at the grief retreat in Pennsylvania and it seemed like a special cloud, an angel cloud.

Cabbage Soup

2009-02-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

I just made a pot of cabbage soup, accompanied with some tears. I remembered that cabbage soup is what Renee requested me to make for her a year ago. She wanted to make sure I wouldn't make the cabbage pieces too big, so it would be easier for her to eat. She hadn't eaten any thing for a few days. The only thing she had been able to get down was smoothies. Justin actually went and got the cabbage. I was still feeling kind of out of it from donating stem cells, so I said I would make it later. But that never happened. When it became apparent that Renee was having trouble breathing, things went into high gear and I never even ate supper. Had a few crackers when I realized I was getting hungry. So now here we are a year later.

I Can Only Imagine

2009-01-27T10:18:00.000-08:00

I am writing this with tears in my eyes, as I'm listening to that song. I was looking for a sermon that I had just downloaded on my computer this morning. There where all these untitled tracks from before which I always thought was also a sermon from Redeemer. As it turns out it is an album, one of the many that Renee put on my computer just two weeks before her heaven day. To think that this song was there all this time, it is almost a year already, and I didn't know about it. She was very thorough in doing all the titles properly, but why she did not do this one, I'll never know. I don't even know who the artist is, but it is a very beautiful rendition of that song: "I Can Only Imagine". For Renee it is reality now. It is so hard to believe that almost a whole year has gone by already. How is that possible?

A Thought For Today

2009-01-26T12:25:00.000-08:00

I was looking through the Psalms for a verse to share. This one seemed to express my feelings for today. Psalm 38:9: "You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh."

My Alarm Clock

2009-01-16T16:48:00.001-08:00

He is very faithful in waking me up each morning.

My First Christmas in Heaven

2009-01-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2008 is history, but I wanted to post this anyway. I am sure Renee was and is praying really hard for her family.

(Renee took this picture of our Christmas tree in NYC last Christmas.)

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond descriptions to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you all the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven and I am walking with the KING.

Our SMALL family

2009-01-11T16:01:00.000-08:00

With Grandma and Grandpa

Prayer

2009-01-10T10:35:00.001-08:00

I took this picture a year ago. "Thanks, Renee for the smile. You are such a precious gift. We all miss you so incredibly much.... I treasure all the precious memories we have."

A quote from our church bulletin by Thomas Merton: "Prayer is an expression of who we are...We are a living incompleteness. We are a gap, an emptiness that calls for fulfillment."

Renee expressed a lot of this in her prayer journals.

The Big Picture

2009-01-08T07:07:00.001-08:00

I would once again like to share the grief/share email for today. It would be nice to be able to remember this truth a little bit more consistently and to let it change our attitudes, etc.

Remember the Larger Picture
Day 197

Sometimes when you ask why, He answers by reminding you of the eternal picture. Learn to live your life in light of eternity. Live each day from the perspective of one whose life lasts forever.

Dr. Joseph Stowell says, "I can't underscore enough how important it is to prepare for grief and sorrow ahead of time. One of the ways to do that is to get a grip on eternity, on the world to come. Learn to live here in the light of there so that you are seeing all of your daily affairs and daily routines in light of the world to come. You need to see all of your interactions and reactions and value systems in light of the value systems of the world to come. Then when grief or sudden loss or wrenching sorrow and deep disappointment shatter your world, you are already schooled in all the realities that give you strength in that moment."

There is much more to this life than just doing your best day by day until you die. The big picture is that a glorious eternity is in store for those who know the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

"Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off" (Proverbs 23:18 nasb).

"And this is what he promised us—even eternal life" (1 John 2:25).

Eternal Savior, thank you that You have given me abundant life through a relationship with You. Every time I get bogged down with life on this earth, remind me of the reality of a glorious, eternal future in heaven. Amen.

Questions

2009-01-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

The grief/share emails have been really good the last few days. Here is part of the one for today:

You will likely have questions to which you will never receive answers. It is human nature to want all the pieces to fit, to want to make sense of things. But there are times when that will not happen. "I was real angry because I couldn't get answers," says Dora of her daughter's death. "I now realize that there really is no logical reason why my daughter suffered. It is what it is, and to say that she suffered and died for my betterment or for our growth does not make sense. So I've come to realize that I'll never get an answer to that question."

Here is another part from a few days ago that I thought was really good. Too often people give you the impression that it is wrong to ask questions:

It is natural to have questions when unwanted and unexpected loss comes into your life. The more traumatic the loss, the greater the questions. Dr. Tim Clinton says, "Not long ago when I lost my mother, I struggled with the question why. Why so early? Why so quickly? When you ask why, you are in essence validating your own humanness and realizing you are not in control." Express your questions freely, but realize that you cannot control your life or anyone else's. The sovereign God is higher than all, and His ways are beyond comprehension. "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8).

What Happens After Christmas?

2008-12-31T09:04:00.000-08:00

When it was first announced that the Blue service that our church was putting on together with another church would be on December 30, I did not know what would be the point. By then I would have survived Christmas and the month of December. But yesterday I knew it was just what I needed.

The Compassionate Friends Jan/Feb newsletter arrived in the mail. Renee's name being there in the list of children loved, missed and remembered for the month of February really hit me. I had submitted one of her poems in her memory to be printed in this issue. It was something she wrote in '05. It expressed how she felt and it is kind of the same as the reading from Job at the service last night from Job 23:2-13. Job looked to the north, south, west and east but could not find God, yet he knew that God was there.

In the newsletter was also an article with the title: "What Happens after Christmas?" "They can be quiet times in which we can work at our healing and growth. the healing will never be perfect, and there will always be scars, because love has the capacity to leave scars. But the scars can produce a growth beyond just survival."

Clara Hinton's quote for the week was really good too. "For every tear you shed, a seed of hope is being watered."

We Need More Faith

2008-12-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

In "The One Year Book of Hope" on healing miracles the author, Nancy Guthrie writes, "There is a mystery to God's miracles we do not understand." She goes on to say, " Often I see the body of Christ put so much into pursuing God for physical healing. With great boldness and passion and persistence, we cry out to God, begging for healing of the body. And in these prayers there is often a tiny P.S. added at the end where we say, 'If it be your will.' But shouldn't we switch that around? Shouldn't we cry out to God with boldness and passion and persistence in a prayer that says, 'God, would you please accomplish your will? Would you give me a willing heart to embrace your plan and your purpose? Would you mold me into an instrument you can use to accomplish what you have in mind?' And then, perhaps, we could add a tiny P.S. that says, 'If that includes healing, we would be grateful."

The reading for the next day is titled, "We Need More Faith." The author says," But sometimes I wondered, faith in what? Faith in God, or faith in faith? Submission to God or insisting on a particular outcome? Sometimes it seems as if people think they feel that they must prove to God that they have enough faith and no doubt - that God not only can but will heal them - in order for God to grant their request for healing."

She goes on to say, "Rather than giving the disciples a formula for increasing their faith, Jesus told them that it isn't the amount of faith that matters, but the object of the faith. If the object of your faith is your ability to work up enough to impress God, your faith will be as weak as your flesh. If the object of your faith is a particular outcome for your situation, your faith will be as weak as your wisdom. But if the source and object of your faith is the Almighty God, even if it the weak, mustard-seed variety, your faith will be enough for whatever God allows into your life."

What do you think? Is this an accurate interpretation of what Jesus was teaching his disciples?

The book I'm reading now is "Life of the Beloved" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. I would recommend it as a must read.

In the bulb, there is a flower.

2008-12-03T05:53:00.000-08:00

This is one of the songs they did at the Blue Christmas service we went to last night.

In the bulb, there is a flower
in the seed, an apple tree
in cocoons, a hidden promise butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter
there's a spring that waits to be
unveiled until its season,
something God alone can see.

There is a song in every silence
seeking word and melody.
There's a dawn in every darkness
bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future
what it holds, a mystery
unveiled until its season,
something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning,
in our time, infinity
in our doubt there is believing
in our life, eternity.

In our death, a resurrection,
at last, a victory,
unveiled until its season,
something God alone can see.
- Natalie Sleeth

Listen on YouTube

Walk with Me

2008-11-26T22:45:00.000-08:00

Walk with me through my hurts
Be with me. Hold me.
Tell me it's OK to feel the way I do
Do not tell me it will be all right...
Not to be angry...not to cry.

When you tell me to understand
What has happened and to accept it
Without first feeling anger, grief or pain
...that's for you.

When you tell me to understand
The other people, or when you excuse them
For the pain they caused me
...that's for you.

If someone bothers me
Or I cry,
Hold my hand,
Be near and understand.

When you do not ask me
Or talk to me
About my feelings, my grief, my sorrow
...that's for you.

When you take my agony,
And compare it to yours,
Or make mine sound small compared to yours
...that's for you.

Walk with me through my feelings,
Let me share my joys and sorrows,
Fears and hopes, hates and loves,
Do not ignore or deny them
Understand them.

Then someday, another time,
Even tomorrow,
I may walk with you through yours....

Otherwise, we shall both be alone,
And I can think of no sorrow worse
To be alone with my feelings
And you to be alone with yours.

- Dewaine Kolbo

It is 9 months today since our precious daughter, Renee left us. The introduction in the Daily Bread devotional yesterday was about how much joy it brings to hold the hand of a child to keep them safe, to keep them from stumbling. I had one of my grief burst moments as I read that. On the weekend as I had been walking along the Saskatchewan River in Saskatoon, I had been thinking quite a bit about holding Renee's hand in the various stages of her life and at the end. Then the excruciating moment came where I had to let go physically and the process of letting go continues. Grief means "torn apart".

Psalm 73 says that even although we stumble and make mistakes, the powerful hand of God is holding our hand and will walk with us through life - all the way home. It is a comforting thought that Jesus was there holding Renee's hand throughout her life and as she "crossed over" to the other side to her glorious destiny and that she is with the One whose birthday we are celebrating.

How can it be that almost a year has gone by since last Christmas?

Thank you to all who have prayed and are continuing to pray for us. Thank you for those who have shown that you care.

Unheimlichkeit

2008-11-19T06:48:00.000-08:00

The latest series of messages we have been listening to from redeemer.com is on the so called parable of the Prodigal son. It is actually the story of two sons and the father. There sure is a lot packed into that one story. The one we listened to this morning was on Unheimlichkeit. Reminds me of the song, "This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through."

We want everything on this earth to stay the same or at least the good parts. We wanted our relationship with our beautiful daughter Renee to continue. Ray loved his research and development work. For that to be taken away from him was so terribly painful. Now for him to start a new R & D under the circumstances of all this grief, it is so hard.

There are so many families broken as the result of selfishness, greed, and misunderstandings. Even although the process of forgiveness has started, it does not erase the pain. Family is supposed to be a place where you feel safe, but when you feel betrayed and rejected it causes so much pain. God wants us to come to Him and find our resting place in Him.

I finally got the book by Alan Wolfelt - "Understanding Your Grief". Wish I had had that book a long time ago.

2008-11-13T14:47:00.001-08:00

Oh, this grieving is such lonely, hard work. It would be so nice to have someone come and just cry with me. But I don't do very well with crying when there are people around.

We did not do a good job of grieving our loss when Kris and Jason and Leona all died within one and half years. It was just too much to deal with. And everybody keeps saying God does not make mistakes. He won't give you more than you can handle. But we have been given more than we can handle. That is the truth of the matter.

When Lazarus died both of his sisters asked Jesus, "Where were you when our brother died?"

I'm listening to a CD right now that has the song on it, "One day at a time, Sweet Jesus." Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never be mine. " That reminded me of when that song was sung at a ladies meeting just before Renee was born.

Oh, God, I miss Renee so much, but I'm so thankful that we were blessed to have her in our family, for all the good memories.

Now I got myself a terrible headache from crying so much. Please, help me God to get through this terrible agony. Thank you for the assurance of the promise that you will never leave us or forsake us.

Lament or Praise

2008-11-06T18:39:00.000-08:00

At the Grief/Share session today we learned that there are more Psalms that have complaint or lament as the main theme than Psalms that have praise or thanksgiving as the main theme. We can be honest to God about how we feel, as long as nobody else hears it. The people that wrote the psalms were an exception I guess.

The above picture I took at the silentgrief retreat. It was the only cloud in an otherwise perfectly clear blue sky. I felt like God gave it to me as a sign that He is with me. I am so thankful for the promise that God will never, ever leave us or forsake us.

Out of the Ashes

2008-10-29T06:44:00.000-07:00

Some one made a comment about the picture I have on my blog header, that she was expecting a flower to pop up amidst all those broken and discarded flower pots. Yesterday I found this sunflower growing in the ashes and rubbish in the fire pit container in my back yard!

I also want to quote some things I read in the "One Year Book of Hope". "The value of a life is not determined by how long a person lives or by how much that person contributes. Every life is valuable because God himself gives life and breath. He is not only the source of life; he is also the source of satisfaction and meaning in life."

"This life is not all there is! This life is just a rehearsal for our real life, our forever life in the presence of God."

"He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is the Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn't live in man-made temples, and human hands can't serve his needs - for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfies every need there is. His purpose in all of this is that the nations should seek after God and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him - though he is never far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and exist." - Acts 17:24-25, 27-28

Brokenness

2008-10-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

I don't really have much to say as I'm thinking so much of a year ago when Renee found out that the leukemia had come back.

But we must somehow accept that there are no answers and still believe that God loves us.

It's Monday and It's Raining

2008-10-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

Those two things aren't that bad, but having my face feeling all numb and having spent one and a half hours in the dentist chair isn't making me feel like a very happy camper right now. In a few hours it will be better. I suppose we should be thankful for dentists. If we did not get our teeth put in order, we would be going around with half of them missing. That would not be so good!

My cat is snuggling up and trying to interfere with what I'm doing.

We had a good day yesterday. We had an early Thanksgiving. Alayna and Justin each brought a friend, so we had six at the table for lunch. We had Kara on the speaker phone, so she could join us for a bit of our conversation.

After lunch we spent some time looking at photo albums of the growing up years. We had a good time of remembering family trips and outings or the kids just being silly or whatever the occasion was that needed to be photographed. Lots of good memories.

A New Day

2008-10-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

In the book by C. S. Lewis that I mentioned yesterday, he says grief feels like fear, like suspense or like waiting, just hanging about waiting for something to happen. "Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead." "The mind always has some power of evasion. At worst, the unbearable thought only comes back and back, but the physical pain can be absolutely continuous." The pain and struggles Renee had to go through are way worse than what I'm going through.

Lewis says a mother has to deal with the fact that the maternal happiness of mothering her child has to be written off when the child dies, and that is what makes it so awfully painful. I have to hang on to my hope that some day I will get to heaven to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever' where there will be no more tears.

Something that I read today in the grief/share workbook is that tears are God's gift to us to express the extent of our loss and not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.

I'm thankful for the three children that I can still mother, to the extent that adult children need mothering. Right after I wrote that sentence one of my precious daughters called me for some advise. That felt so good.

2008-10-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

Day One Hundred

2008-09-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

Today is the 100th day since we started receiving the daily grief/share emails. One hundred days and that was just some random day that I happened to see the email with the link that had been sent by a friend quite some time before that.

So anyway the topic for today's email was the goodness of God. The daily reading from the "One Year Book of Hope" that somebody sent us, happened to be on the same theme. Yesterday I read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. He writes about how he wrestled with that question after his wife died of cancer.

Tears and Overwhelming Pain

2008-09-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

This week was so, so very hard - just reliving all the pain and being pushed into fresh waves of pain. Maybe it was supposed to be therapeutic.

Oh, Renee, I'm just so very sorry that you had to suffer so much. This is more than I can bear, and I'm so sorry I could not do more for you. Jesus suffered way more than we can imagine to set us free and we must always keep that in mind. Renee, you desired so much to experience and practice the presence of God in your life and now you are in His presence and we cannot even imagine what that must be like.

But I wish I could at least have just one more conversation with you, Renee, make one more smoothie for you, watch another movie with you, make the leukemia go away, make the pain go away, see you continue serving the Lord, maybe get married some day, see you make all the movies and documentaries you were hoping and dreaming and planning to do. I love you Renee and I always will. I'm so sorry.

Oh God, if you can use the story of Renee's life and what you did for her and through her and in her to bring even one person to invite Jesus into their heart it will be worth it. But right now I'm feeling very sad. I don't want to just think about myself and wallow in self-pity but I have to work through my grief somehow.

The verse for this week from the book - One Year Book of Hope was about the Lord being close to the brokenhearted. I need to trust that God is close and wants to comfort me in my distress.

My All in All

2008-08-27T06:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Jesus,

You want to be my all in all, my everything. I need to keep my focus on you.

The grief/share email for today was about how to handle the anger which is a normal part of grief and to do it before the sun goes down. The sun has already gone down many times, so I guess I'd better get to work. I don't know if this can all be done in one day and I don't think I want to do it on the blog.

Six Months

2008-08-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

Hi Renee,

Tomorrow it will be six months since you left us. Oh, how I wish you were still with us. Now all we have is memories, pictures of you, some of your stuff, and a big aching void. I have my ipod with your music, but I would much rather have you.

I guess I'll add a nice picture to this and then maybe it won't seem quite so sad. I thought maybe the clouds would do. It makes me think of heaven.

Where exactly is heaven ? Somewhere up above the clouds? or not so far away?

I wish I could give you a hug, but rest assured, I love you very much and miss you so much. Some days I feel like I will go crazy, but I'm going to be okay, at least I hope so.

Taking a Break

2008-08-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Hi Renee,

Do you like my picture of the lilies? Thanks for all you taught me about photography - I think I did learn a few things anyway. I really like the camera we bought for you last summer, which I am using now. It helps me to feel connected to you in a small way.

I was mowing the lawn and thinking so much about you. I used to complain about our lawn not being green enough, and then you reminded me that at least we had grass and that lots of kids grow up not even knowing what grass is, in places like Jordan and some of the other countries you visited. I am so thankful that you helped me get a better perspective. It is still often out of whack. It is hard to find the right balance.

I miss you so much,

Love from,

Your mom

Tears, Truth, Anger and Grace

2008-08-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

I just listened to the message again from the Redeemer Presbyterian from the Sunday after 9/11. That is a very comforting service. Dr. Keller emphasizes how we need tears, truth, anger and grace when faced with suffering and death. I wanted to be genuine and embrace my grief, but in my desire not to be a burden, I probably kept the tears too much to myself again. Weep with those that weep. I think we need to learn how to do that, myself included, instead of just glossing it over. Jesus wept, and he is weeping with us.

The truth that we need is that Jesus IS the Resurrection and the Life. He can bring new life out of the tragedies that come our way. And apparently the verse that says that Jesus was troubled as he approached Lazarus's grave should read, he was angry. God is angry at death. And Jesus knew that by resurrecting Lazarus, he was putting himself into the grave. From that day on the religious leaders were seeking to put him to death.

And then we need grace. We need grace to know what to do with our anger and allow Jesus to be the Resurrection and the Life to us, as we continue to some how try to cope with all the multiple layers of grief one day at a time.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

2008-08-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

That poem is mentioned in the June '08 Guideposts I was reading this morning. I googled it and watched a couple of different versions of it on YouTube. The words are beautiful and calming, but I'm not sure what to think of it. We do need to release the tears. Maybe this is just glossing over the sorrow of death.

While I was at it I also watched several versions of "Nothing But the Blood." One was by Jars of Clay. Another one that ministered to me was their "Angels are God's Messengers - I'll Fly Away. " "I'll Fly Away" was the song we sang at the graveside on that bitterly cold March day.

More on Anger

2008-08-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

I just read a quote this morning in Guideposts. "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of potential happiness." I don't know what to do with all these emotions. You can't just stuff them down deep someplace, cause that leads to depression.

Another interesting quote: "If at the end of the day you feel dog tired maybe it's because you growled all day." I know this grieving is hard work and sometimes I feel dog tired before the day
has even started.

"The joy of the Lord is your strength. To have this joy you must praise for it." That is a stanza from that song I found in the hymnal at the church we went to in NYC. So I must keep praising the Lord whether I feel like it or not.

Anger

2008-08-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

I think that if I would really express how I feel a lot of the time, maybe nobody would want to read these blogs. Some of the anger issues are probabaly better to just leave them with God. Our message at church was about Jonah and how God kept giving him second chances and about his anger issues.

There are a lot of things going on that should make us very angry and other things that should just slide off our backs. Anyway, I don't know really know what else to say about this right now, so I should just quit. I do know that it makes me angry that Renee did not get to live out her life and make the films that she was dreaming of producing to proclaim the truth of the gospel. I don't know if I have a right to be angry about that or not and I'm not angry at God.

This Day

2008-08-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

Psalm 105:4 I came across this verse again this morning. "Search for the Lord and for his strength, and keep on searching." In the pages of God's Word we will discover a God who is waiting for us to find him. I know God gave me strength to get through the winter - our journey through the return of Renee's leukemia. There were so many people praying for Renee and our family. I want to trust that God will continue to be with us as we continue this journey of grief.

Suffering is universal, and there are some very crazy situations in the world, with all the war and crime and craziness. The song, "This is my Father's World" helped to bring me a sense of peace, as I was trying to get back into a routine after coming home from NYC after Renee's first session of treatments at the end of '05. "Though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet."

Proverb for the Day

2008-08-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

It is dangerous to make a rash promise to God before counting the cost.

- Proverbs 20:25

Wisdom in Suffering

2008-07-31T07:31:00.000-07:00

Listened to the sermon on "Wisdom in Suffering" again this morning - have been listening to that series on Job again this week as we were faced with the sudden tragic passing of Katelyn. To have wisdom in suffering, we need scary level, unconditional trust in God's love, is what Dr. Keller says. And that does not come easily most of the time, as Dr. Keller also admits.

The grief/share email today talks about how in our society we tend to gloss over grief, everything has to be so tidy and nice. "But life is not tidy and nice and pretending it is will hinder your healing process and make it even longer. "

"Realizing this, draw close to Him and listen to His wisdom. His perspective on your grief is the one you need to seek. "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9).

"Holy God, teach me to grieve wisely, knowing that You truly understand my hurts and my needs and knowing that Your way for me is far better than society's expectations of me. Amen."

Pain and Peace

2008-07-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

Hi Renee, How was your day? I guess you don't really have days there in heaven. I have been thinking a lot about you as I do everyday. Today we were thinking a lot about heaven as we were at the memorial service for Katelyn. It was so beautiful to watch all the balloons going up and up and up. (The picture is from your memorial service - wish I had a better picture and I want to add a picture of Kateyn's balloons.) It was such a gorgeous summer day, unlike the terribly bitter cold day when we laid your body to rest, to wait for the resurrection.

The searing pain we experienced only five months ago when we realized that your life on earth was over was all too fresh in our memory still, as we got the tragic news of our friends losing their daughter and Kara losing a friend. I imagine you and Katelyn dancing and having a blast together. Don't forget us down here, who have to continue with the struggles and battles.

I listened to the entire Mindy Smith album this evening as I went for a walk. I wish so much I had asked you about Mindy. There are so many other things I wished we had talked about and just wish we could have had one moment more, as Mindy sings. Why did you get leukemia? Why did you get that lung infection? Why? why? why? so many whys.

I have been thinking again a lot about the song that gave me courage throughout the winter, "Be strong, be strong, be strong in the Lord." I don't want to give up, but want to "keep on believing" even when things get so hard - also from Mindy - that is such a beautiful album. Renee, I can never thank you enough for putting all that music on my iPod.

More next time. Renee, I love you so much. Can't wait to see you again.

My Saturday Night Special

2008-07-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

I like to listen to Jonathan Helser - The Awakening album on my iPod on Saturday nights to prepare me for worship on Sunday. (Thank you, thank you Renee for putting this album on my iPod - as well as all the others. I now realize my mistake - it is Helser and not Hesler as I said in a previous blog. I am so embarrassed by this mistake.) The songs about the incredible love God has for us, about heaven and being more like Jesus. I need to learn to pray about everything and trust God's love one hundred percent. I know He loves me one hundred percent - his love is unchanging - to just receive more of his love - to live as one who knows that I am loved outrageously - to be set free from despair and all those fears - to be set free from myself.

Perfect love casts out fear. Oh God, how can I ever thank you enough for all the beautiful gifts you have given me. Even although I have experienced such horrible, terrible losses that are more than I can bear, I love you, Jesus and want to live for you. (I needed to get some tissues and now I will quickly post this and see if I can get some sleep.)

Silent Helper

2008-07-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

The devotional from Our Daily Bread today was a good reminder that our list of praises should be longer than our list of petitions. Just like our white blood cells quietly do their work, yet receive little recognition if all goes well, our Lord often gets blamed when things go wrong, but seldom gets credit for all the things that go right. No one knows how many times God has protected us from harm.

One of the things that kept me going last winter was to journal at the end of every day, at least three things that I was thankful for. That helped me throughout the day to think of positive things, instead of dwelling on the negatives.

I have started doing that again, but am not quite as faithful now as my days are not quite as structured as they were in NYC.

Today I am thankful for flowers, friends and our family - the three wonderful children that are with us and the three that are with Jesus. I am thankful for friends that have been an encouragement and have been willing and able to listen to various degrees.

Growing Wings

2008-07-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon I had the overwhelming desire to grow wings to fly away and never come back. That reminded me of the verses that we find in Psalm 55 where David says, "Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest! I would fly away to the quiet wilderness. How quickly I would escape - far away from this wild storm of hatred."

This morning the song came to my mind that we sang as we said good-bye to Renee, "I'll fly away, Oh glory, I'll fly away " as we watched the balloons sail off into the bitterly cold winter sky with the sun setting behind us.

All the stress of trying to get the computers working, as a result of having the business so brutally split apart, and trying to find a shop or location to build a new one on top of trying to deal with the grief of losing Renee is sometimes just overwhelming. They say God will never give us more than we can handle, but I'm not sure if I agree with that. But if we ask Him to carry the load, I think we should be able to survive.

I have been reminded of Bugs Bunny who was repeated runover and completely flattened out. That is how we have been feeling, except unlike Bugs Bunny it is taking us longer to recover from this being run over process.

Saturday we did a little 2 hour trip. That was a nice relaxing change, meeting with some very good friends. Yesterday we had a quiet day, with a walk in Bird's Hill Park in the evening and I did find Ladies Slippers - pink and yellow ones.

This morning we listened to the first message from the new series on the Seven Letters to the Churches from the Book of Revelation from Redeemer - the Last and the First - God wants to be our Alpha and Omega.

To Be Loved

2008-06-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday it was four months since Renee's passing - promotion to glory - eight months since we went to Vancouver - October 25 was the day that Renee got the word that she had relapsed - three years since she was first diagnosed with leukemia. Some how by the grace of God we have made it though another day, another month, another year.

One of our coping strategies is to listen to lots and lots of those messages from Redeemer Presbyterian from NYC - they can be down loaded from their website. This morning I was listening to another one from the Easter series - about Mary who was the first witness to Jesus' resurrection - a woman being the first witness is quite significant - proving that this is not just a made up story - they would never have picked a woman to be the first witness.

Some of the things that stand out in mind from this message and others:
We need to be seek Jesus (the real Jesus - not just what we think He should be) and to be found by Him - to be known by Him and to know Him - to be loved by Him and to love. Once we truly understand that we are saved by grace alone and realize how amazing that grace is, it makes a huge difference. Once we really believe that Jesus was resurrected, we can know that the gospel is the truth and it can change us. I want it to change me, but it just seems too painfully slow sometimes. I need to remind myself often that God's grace is sufficient.

COME TO ME

2008-06-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have a plaque by the fireplace that I need to read quite often these days.

COME TO ME

When you are hurting, come to Me and

I WILL BIND YOUR WOUNDS.

When you need to be assured, come to Me and

I WILL GIVE YOU MY EMBRACE.

When you can no longer go on, come to Me and

I WILL CARRY YOU.

When you need comfort, come to Me and

I WILL WIPE YOUR TEARS.

When you are uncertain of My love, come to Me and

I WILL SPEAK MY HEART TO YOU.

- Roy Lessin

The title of the message we listened to this morning is "I AM" - the first message in the St. John's Passion series by Dr. Timothy Keller of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC. Jesus did not come to show us the way to God, as all religions try to do. He said, "I AM THE WAY."

Someone who can Feel it when we are Hurting

2008-06-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Why? Why? Why? I try not to ask that question too much, but sometimes it just happens and the tears come. Children are not supposed to die before the parents. Renee had so much she wanted to do for God. Who will do what she wanted to do?

We have been having some amazing sunsets lately. I enjoy taking these photos. It helps me to feel connected to Renee in a small way.

On the way to the golf tournament in the morning, I was reading some verses from the new Lifelight Testament. Was reading from Hebrews. Came across the verses in chapter four that say, "We have a High Priest who can feel it when we are weak and hurting. We have a High Priest who was tempted in every way, just as we are. But he did not sin. So let us boldly approach the throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy. We will find grace to help us when we need it."

Yesterday morning I read some chapters from Exodus. I came across a verse that says, " And when they realized that the Lord had seen their misery and was deeply concerned for them, they all bowed their heads and worshiped."

Also yesterday in an email we received, I was reminded of those precious verses from Hebrews that encourage us to "run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus." By remembering that Jesus suffered infinitely more than than we can imagine - going to hell, taking upon himself the sin of the whole world - everybody that has ever lived or ever will - being seperated from the God to pay the price to set us free, so we could experience being made right with God, as if we had never sinned. We need to remind ourselves of that, to keep things in perspective, so we don't become weary and give up.

Christ Be with Me

2008-05-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

I arise today

Through God's strength to pilot me:

God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to protect me.

Christ be with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down

Christ when I arise

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.

St. Patrick

This was printed in the memorial folder Alayna and Kara put together. Maybe most of you who are reading this blog were at one of the memorial services we had for Renee and would have gotten a copy. (I read it aloud every day - usually quite forcefully - so the enemy will know that I mean business about living for Christ.)

Renee's pastor in Vancouver had shared a part of this prayer by St. Patrick with her the Sunday before she got her test results back and had told her to look it up online and print the whole thing and she did. I saw her doing it that day when we got there after she got the devasting news that the terrible leukemia had come back. She had carried that prayer with her the whole time in her backpack and then when we cleaned up her room we found it on her windowsill.

We had Renee's friend, Wade, who is a DJ and is also the assistant pastor of her church read the whole St. Patrick's Breastplate to his favorite piece of music at the memorial services. That was a very powerful.

We are so thankful that Wade and Joanna could come and lead the services and do what they did, although it was extremely hard for them. It was just perfect - the leading of the singing by Joanna, her sharing of Renee's involvement with YWAM - and everything else - brings tears to my eyes.

"Left to Blossom"

2008-05-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

"Left to Blossom"
A Mother’s Tribute to her Daughter
"Left to Blossom" is also the title of a film Renee co-produced
while studying at Capilano College

Renee (Born Again) Amaryah (God has Promised) Lalani (Heavenly Flower), was born on March 18, 1984.She was promoted to glory 3 weeks before her 24th birthday.

Renee, we will always remember you, sometimes with tears, but also with lots of smiles, for all the beauty and joy you brought into our lives.

Renee packed as much as possible into her short time on this earth. Renee loved going to camp. She would go to as many camps as possible in one summer: Beaver Creek Bible Camp, horsemanship camp, and music camp.

Renee, I’m so thankful that you loved Jesus, our God and Savior with all your heart, soul and mind, serving Him in whatever capacity you could, working at camp, teaching Sunday School and being a youth leader. I am glad that you decided to do the DTS with YWAM and working on staff at www.YWAMVancouver.com. I’m so very happy that you got to go Jordan and Greece with YWAM, and that you were obedient to God’s calling to join the WAVE USA.

But why Renee did not get to do all fifty states, we will never know. She was diagnosed with leukemia when the WAVE USA team got to Cleveland, Ohio at the end of June, 2005. Renee only made it to twenty six states. After treatment at MSKCC.org she was in remission for 2 years.

I’m glad that you could study film production at Capilano and you got to work in the industry for a few months. You would have loved to continue, and some day start your own business, to produce all those films you dreamed about, but the devastating leukemia came back.
It was very special that I could be there for Renee in New York during treatments for six months in ’05 and then four months since the end of October ’07.
Renee, I’ll always cherish those ten months we had together, doing things together when you felt up to it, whether it was going to art museums, to the park, or going out to eat at some of the many wonderful restaurants, enjoying all that yummy ethnic food, or watching movies together and countless hours of TV. And I will also always cherish all those conversations you and I had.
It was a joy to cook for Renee, I got to make those delicious dishes she requested. Cooking our last Christmas dinner together will always be a very special memory.
Renee, I’m so happy that on my birthday, just two weeks before you were promoted to glory we could go out to a Persian restaurant, to enjoy the world’s oldest cuisine and that we could walk to Central Park together in the snow, one of the few snow days we had all winter in New York.
And thank you so much, Renee, for talking your dad into getting an iPod for me and thank you so very much for uploading all those songs by your favorite artists for me. Listening to those songs now, helps me to understand even better your passions, beliefs and desires.
And Renee, thanks a million for the CD you made for me before Christmas with some of your favorite worship music.

We played that CD over and over on Renee’s last day while we were waiting for her sisters to arrive. But Renee could not hang on long enough, because their flight was delayed. I’m so glad that Renee’s brother was there, because he had not seen Renee since she went back to New York.

I’m so sorry, Renee, that I could not do more for you. I feel like I let you down. I felt so helpless, so sorry you relapsed and had to go back to New York, and sorry that you had leukemia in the first place, sorry that you were born with Severe Combined Immunodeficiency. Sorry that you got the lung infection. Sorry that you had to get more chemo.
Renee, I’m so sorry that we had to say good-bye to you so soon. The tears are about us, about our pain in losing a precious daughter, a loving sister, a wonderful friend, cousin, granddaughter and niece.

To know that Renee impacted so many people in her short time on this earth brings me comfort.
And to know God who is the God of all comfort is so precious. We experienced the power of prayer in so many ways.
We may never know the answer to our many whys and what-ifs, but we need to trust in God’s love, as Renee did. As a result of her suffering, Renee came to the conclusion that it was not so much about the answers, as it was about the questions.
We trusted God and hoped that this upcoming transplant was going to be successful, and that Renee would be able to continue with her mission of serving God "To mobilize the church into missions, and to see truth proclaimed through the arts".
For reasons we do not understand this was not to be. Renee was spared further suffering and is now in the place where we all want to be, a place with no more tears and no more pain.
I know Renee does not want to be remembered as the girl with cancer, but as a woman with a passion for justice and peace, a heart for the less fortunate, proclaiming a message of hope.
One of the countries Renee visited for the outreach part of the DTS, was Cambodia. In this place where she saw so much pain, she was inspired to get the Cambodian word for hope tattooed on her ankle. Renee’s life was a good example of what it means to serve the truth of the gospel.
I’m praying that many will step forward to carry on the work that Renee wanted to do for God.

Renee, I know you could have done a much better job of writing this, but I did the best I could. If you had edited it, you would probably have cut out at least one third of it. So now this is your mama saying, "See you later, Renee. I love so very much. We all love you and will all miss you terribly much.
Give Kris and Jason lots of hugs from me and of course Jesus too. I’ll be with you again some day."

"Soon and very soon, we are going to see the King." I am looking forward to that day when the King will return, "when those who have died will rise from their graves and then together with them, we who remain on earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air and remain with Him forever. So comfort and encourage each other with these words."
We want to give a special thanks to everybody who had a part in the memorial services we had for Renee. The first one was at the chapel at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Centre where Renee was treated as a baby and for the leukemia. We had two services in Manitoba. March 1, at Eastview Community Church and in Riverton on March 2 with internment at the Mennville EMC Church cemetery.

Had a Good Mother's Day

2008-05-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

Our dinner with our family turned out good. We went to the Ethiopian restaurant that we had gone to in '06 for my birthday. Renee was with us at that meal. We had wanted to go there for her birthday this year, but it was closed that day. You have to wait quite long for your food there, but it is worth the wait! For a special occassion, you don't mind making it last as long as possible. You just have to know that you can't come there expecting to eat any time soon! For dessert we went down the street to Baked Expectations - the same routine we did for my birthday that year.

I like to read the part of the St. Patrick's Breastplate that we printed in the memorial folder for Renee every day. It helps me to keep my eyes on Jesus. Maybe I need to read it many times a day.